The Littlest Winslow

(Spoilers for last night’s Big Brother finale are running amuck!)

Did I read or hear this headline somewhere else or am I just naturally this witty and charming? I’m not entirely sure if I ripped it off or not, but I am entirely sure that this season of Big Brother was hands down the most shocking and brutal season in probably forever. You can keep your Evil Dick’s, Dr. Will’s, Renegades and Brigades, because now: it’s all about The Quack Pack, baby!

And like Britney: I can’t believe I just said that.

Where do I even begin!? Let’s run with Shane’s joke through this quick recap sesh: Danielle, Ian and Satan were swinging on fish hooks. Satan convinces Ian to fall off 10 minutes prior and later convinces Danielle to “Trust him” and fall off as well. Yes, Danielle. Trust…Satan. Yada yada yada….Ian wins final HoH and evicts Dani, because as we all know, he was swinging on the hammock all crazy-like mumbling “If you want to be the best, you’ve got to beat the best,” over and over and over.

So Ian sits next to Lucifer in the Final 2, as The Man in Red continues talking about “blood up to his elbows” and backstabbing everyone and being a general fucking prick. Then asks the jury to respect his game play: “I know I murdered your mom and dad, drowned your baby in a bathtub, and stabbed you in the back, but haha! It was fun, right!? BEST SUMMER EVER!”

Unsurprisingly, everybody hates Satan, and awards Ian Terry, the 21-year-old student, a check for half a mil!

What a rollercoaster season filled with so many memorable moments! All jokes aside, Dan did play a good game. He realized early on that he was going to have to play differently than he did in Big Brother 10, and he modified his game accordingly. He was a master manipulator and liar, and deceived everyone around him throughout almost the entire game. In my opinion, however, he played a little too brutally. Once you start toying with people’s emotions to the level that he did with Danielle, it starts to get awkward. Though Internet trolls love to hate Danielle for everything always and forever, I feel bad for the girl. She was trying to stay loyal to her first and true alliance. It just didn’t work out for her. Maybe Dan will use some of his $50k to pay for some of Danielle’s therapy sessions, because she’s certainly going to need it! Again: Bru-tal.

Ian made some great moves in this game. He jumped alliances at the perfect time, taking down Mike Boogie and reaping all the credit for doing so (‘Get to steppin’!'). He formed the power alliance in the house and rode it until the end of the game. He won multiple HoH competitions and Power of Vetoes when it mattered the most. Most importantly, he wasn’t a complete douchebag about it, and he remained a likable character in the eyes of the jury. Isn’t that what it’s all about? What a gross, gross oversight on Dan’s part. Have we learned nothing from Russell Hantz?

Although I do wish Janelle stayed in the game longer, the show didn’t really need her. With some great casting this year, the house had more than enough likable characters which led to some utterly shocking moments. In addition to the Boogie eviction, we had Britney’s hilarious goodbye message to Boogs, Frank vs. Ian – carrot suit and all, Dan’s funeral, the Shane eviction (!). What a season for Big Brother fans! The Chenbot and Executive Producer Allison Grodner must be very, very pleased.

Ian is my homeboy. It’s very rewarding for Big Brother fans to see a superfan geek-type take home the big check rather than one of those pretty-but-annoying recruits that CBS finds bartending somewhere on the LA strip. Or, you know, at a mobile spray tanning boutique. Because all the real gems come from mobile spray tanning boutiques.

The season has come to a close and it’s been quite a ride!  Before I fully transition into Survivor mode, I pose one last question: When can Britney get her own show!? Somebody grab a camera. Quick!

What did you think of the finale? Do you think the best houseguest won?

This post contains spoilers from last night’s episode of Big Brother. If you haven’t seen it – quit your job and do so now.

Since TLW has been hijacked by tales from the 30′s and 40′s lately, I decided to lighten things up a bit with my favorite summertime guilty pleasure: Big Brother. Shitty Reality recap, coming your way. Aww, yeeeah!

This summer, four returning houseguests entered the house as “coaches,” under the guise of winning $100,000 should one of their handpicked players win the game. Last week, the game was reset, turning the coaches into players and flipping the house upside down (dun dun dunnnn). Will the coaches stick by their players? Will the newbies revolt and oust the returning champions? Will Mike Boogie ever stop dressing like a 12 year old? WILL JOE EVER STOP SCREAMING IN THE DIARY ROOM? So many questions!

Previous season twists really did blow up in Executive Producer Allison Grodner’s face. The saboteur was evicted in Week 1 of Season 12. The Duos twist of Season 13 got messy (and boor-innng) when Evil Dick walked after just six days. But this year, the coaches twist gave the season a much-needed jump start from Day 1 as the coaches forced their players to consider their game play and make bold moves. Now, just four weeks in, alliances have been made, broken and re-formed. Lies are spreading like wildfire and paranoia is running rabid in that caged up hellhole house. Sounds like a great season is finally upon us!

But dammit, Big Brother! Last night’s eviction episode saw the upheaval of fan-favorite Janelle Pierzina and this reviewer is NOT OK with that. It was probably a smart idea for the house to get rid of her: She’s a Comp-Queen and a power player who plays a relaxed and super-social game. She’s level-headed and has the cunning to earn players’ trust….easily! So all in all, she is pretty dangerous to be shackin’ up with. But is she more dangerous than Mike Boogie!?

Come on, people!

I’d feel way more at ease about losing Janelle had it not been at the hands of Mike Boogie. Lets face it. Danielle, the former HoH, is a complete tool, following whatever Dan, Shane, and Boogie tell her to do. Though Boogie is a smart guy who made a sly move this week, (kudos to him, I guess), I still don’t have to like him.

I want to like his protégé Frank, and I do, but his bond with Boogie has me worried. Part of me thinks that Boogie doesn’t have a shot in hell at winning, but crazier things have happened on Big Brother (and Survivor!). People might start thinking that they want to bring Boogie to the end, under the assumption that no one will vote for him, but is this entirely true? What do you think, Big Brother fans?

This season has brought some great players into the house. It’ll be interesting to see how the game play unfolds this year, (especially that of Dan, Britney, Shane, and Frank); it seems that more people are actually playing the game this time around than floating through it (Kalia, Porsche, Adam…I’m looking at you!). So here we go…game on!

And down with Boogie.

Hopefully.

This video makes me feel weird. Like when we used to climb the rope in gym class.

This electronic 80′s duo is…strange. And the video makes me feel rather uncomfortable.  This has “viral” written all over it, though. Ya gotta see it to believe it.

I guess it’s a….fearless….performance?  But what weirdos!? I must say though, 80′s electro-pop is kind of up my alley. Though, it’s surely getting categorized under “guilty as charged.”

I’m shocked that Chairlift has actually been signed to a major label (Columbia), however, that surely won’t last long.

Whatcha think? The song is kind of haunting…but in a good way, no?

Don’t take this lightly, gentle reader. I hate myself. I do. I really do. But fuck-me-sideways, The Celebrity Apprentice is always a treat for the winter/spring TV season. It’s the guilty pleasure that keeps on giving. Two hours a week of B- and C-level celebrities fighting, clawing, backstabbing, and pretending to work and do good too and junk.

This season actually has a pretty good cast mixed in with the models that you’ve never heard of!

The men’s team consists of:

Clay Aiken – American Idol dude that looks like a chick
Michael Andretti – Racecar driver guy, son of Mario
Adam Carolla – Comedian, Loveline guy
Lou Ferrigno – THE HULK! (Wouldn’t wanna mess with this guy!)
Arsenio Hall – Ya know. He had that show.
Penn Jillette – Las Vegas headliner
Dee Snider – Twisted Sister singer, previously seen last season (7-UP RETRO! STILL KEEPIN’ IT REAL! I hate myself.)
George Takei – Sulu! For non-nerds, he’s from Star Trek
Paul Teutul, Sr. – American Chopper

For the laaaaadiiiiiiiies:

Clay Ai….oh, I mean…Tia Carrere – holyshit, you guys. It’s Cassandra! CASSANDRAAAAAAA!
Debbie Gibson – 80′s pop singer and star of my 6-year-old dreams. That sounds creepy.
Teresa Giudice – another “Real” Housewife, this time from the Dirty Jersey
Victoria Gotti – Growing Up Gotti
Lisa Lampanelli – Comedienne
Dayana Mendoza – Miss Universe 2008
Aubrey O’Day – Danity Kane singer (See…”celebrities”…)
Cheryl Tiegs – Model/Actress
Patricia Velasquez – Actress/Model

The only saving grace of this show is that the Celebs play for charity. So…I mean…I guess that makes me feel better for not only watching this shitshow, but also blogging about it.

This show starts February 12th on NBC. I’d tell you to not miss it, but you’re probably better off if you do. Watch with copious amounts of wine or other alcoholic beverage.

mmm. Tia.

America’s Next Top Model is probably one of my favorite guilty pleasures. In fact, I’m probably one of very few straight guys that actually watches it (in my defense, I’ve only seen a handful of seasons). It’s not because I care about fashion or looks or hair or makeup so much, but it’s because the entire show is just batshit insane and extremely comical.

On last’s night All-Stars finale, three ladies walked in the final runway, which included swimming (?), flying (?), and walking the walk to their own pop songs (?). Uh…exactly. I don’t get it either.

Lisa D’Amato (Cycle 5, pictured here), Allison Harvard (Cycle 12) and Angelea Preston (Cycle-Who-Cares) all vied for the All-Star glory and a chance to win a bunch of shit that I don’t really care about. But at the final panel, TyTy (excuse me, Tyra Banks), Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker, Jay Manuel, and that other fat guy who is rather mean all said that something went awry and Angelea was DQ’d.

“It turns out, our production team and the network learned information from Angelea that disqualifies her from the competition,” said Barker. “It means we’re now going to do our final judging with the remaining two girls, and in the interest of fairness, the producers and the network thought it best to evaluate Allison and Lisa on their own, without the added competition of Angelea.”

So only Allison and Lisa stood before the judges, with the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model. The final panel was supposed to go down in Greece and since they were all now in LA, this meant a re-shoot was going down. WTF, yo? 1) If she was actually DQ’d and lost, why would a re-shoot be necessary? 2) There’s just no chance in hell that Angelea won, and her DQ forced producers to do a re-shoot. 3) How many times can I write the word “re-shoot” in this blog? and 4) WHERE DAT B*TCH GO!?!

Rumor has it Angelea leaked some info on her Facebook page about who the final three were. Producers are mum. Angelea’s Twitter is quiet. The scene that unfolded looked pretty staged. The Internet is spinning with rumors. I could investigate further, but who cares dammit. Nothing’s official until Queen Tyty Doth Spoken anyways. Too bad, so sad. And Angelea sucked; Lisa OWNED.

BOOM.

Although Lisa is smokin’ hot, has a great personality, is the entire package, yada yada yada…it’s a shame Allison is a runner up for the second time. Cuz damn, man. She’s a hottie.

This is hopefully my first and last post about ANTM. I apologize in advance for any awkwardness or discomfort this post might have caused.

Will and Jada Smith’s second offspring Willow is also a SUPERSTAR! Surpriiiiiise!

Watch Willow as she whips her hair back and forth.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THEY’RE ALL REALLY, REALLY, RIDICULOUSLY TALENTED AND FAMOUS!?

Grrr. I want to hate this song so. fucking. badly. But I just can’t. It’s too damn catchy. And that beat is off tha hizzy yo. Damn the man. Guilty as charged, my friends.

Thanks to Doooom for the gif!

The Celebrity Apprentice is the very definition of a “guilty pleasure”. Watching a bunch of celebrities slit each other’s throats for a fake “job” while competing for charity is probably the best thing since James Cameron’s Avatar. Stupid Trump sits at his stupid desk at the stupid Boardroom as his (stupid?) son and daughter, Donald Jr. and Ivanka, pretend to know whatever the hell everyone’s talking about. And the celebrities fight a lot (did I mention that part?)

Well, Hallelujah! Trump and Company are filming a 4th season of the Celeb-style Apprentice to air next year!  And the cast list that has been leaking to the Web looks better than ever!

According to various sources, Trump has the following celebs lined up: Jose Canseco, David Cassidy, Richard Hatch, La Toya Jackson, Lil Jon, Star Jones, Mark McGrath, Lisa Rinna, Niki Taylor, and Dionne Warwick.

Owwwwkaaaay!

Not too shabby for a peusdo-celeb reality show, aye? Since this list only has 10, it can be assumed that 4-6 more names will hit the streets once filming begins in NYC.

I’m giddy with shameful delight, placing this post firmly and securely in “Best. Thing. Ever.”, “dog and pony show,” and “guilty as charged.”

I think that says it all.

Ok, first of all – WTF!? Now, I’m not WTF-ing because I don’t know what this is. I’m just in complete and utter shock that a company actually decided that Small Wonder was worth putting on DVD. For those who don’t know or recall: Small Wonder is an American science fiction sitcom that aired in first-run syndication from September 7, 1985 to May 20, 1989. The show chronicled the family of a robotics engineer who, after he secretly creates a robot modeled after a real human girl, tries to pass it off as their daughter (Oh hey, thanks Wikipedia!).

There’s a market for this? Really? I can maybe see this becoming a cult-DVD set, but even that is a gamble. I can’t believe we don’t have The Wonder Years or Daria yet, but THANK GOD Small Wonder is being released! World hunger has been solved!

What were they even thinking!?

Here ya go, guys – from me to you:

…for putting up a picture of a celebrity and her baby. But still, little bugger is kinda cute.

Gwen with baby Zuma Nesta Rock

Dear Nick,

I love The Littlest Winslow, I really do. But the time has come for me to spend the weekend away and – hopefully- blogging on my own.  I leave today on what should be an adventure…sleeping bags, compasses, those little yellow books that tell you the tides all around the world, Sam Adams light, Sperry Topsiders, and SPF 8 (oh, I AM BAD).

Hopefully I’ll be keeping in touch via text and pics on my new blog ( please note I LOVE THE LITTLEST WINSLOW and still intend on contributing) http://mmmurphy.wordpress.com.

If I get bored maybe I’ll write a tutorial on knot tying….bowline (bolan whatev), clove hitch, timber hitch, figure 8 cleat, square knot (reef knot, whatev) and maybe those little knots that I used to put on the ends of my boat shoes.

But for now, I’m casting off