The Littlest Winslow

This is sheer genius. I mean, who wouldn’t want to eat a piece of toast with Freddy Krueger on it!? Now all your dreams nightmares can come true.

If you’ve got $55, you can pick up your very own Nightmare on Elm Street toaster over at Urban Collector. Here’s the official word stuffs:

Nightmare On Elm St Toaster is an Urban Collector pre-order. He terrorized your dreams while you slept… and now Freddy Krueger haunts your breakfast when you wake up! But don’t worry — while the Springwood Slasher may have felt the burn, your bread and bagels will only endure the perfect amount of heat, toasting the shape of Freddy’s signature bladed glove into each slice. UL-tested and approved, our collectible toaster includes illuminated function buttons for Cancel, Reheat, and Frozen. The Nightmare on Elm Street logo appears on its stylish, glossy black finish. Watch out – it’s the bastard toast of a thousand loafs!

In all honesty, $55 is a little too steep, in my opinion, for a novelty toaster, but maybe the price will get slashed Freddy-style after its release.

The toaster is currently available to pre-order and is set to be released and shipped in August of this year.

Evil Dead unravels like a movie you’ve already seen: Teenagers head to a cabin in the woods. Teenagers do something idiotic. Teenagers die. At face value, this next jaunt into wooded territory doesn’t sound very appealing or fresh. And that’s not even broaching the fact that director Fede Alvarez has entered sacred ground, remaking the Top Dog of Cult Classics, Sam Raimi’s The Evil Dead. That alone is enough to make the hungriest of Internet trolls come out of hiding.

Nevertheless, this new gang of victims-to-be heads to their chosen secluded locale in order to help their friend Mia kick a nasty drug habit. Mia’s brother David joins in the efforts to help her get clean…that is, until their friend David reads from the book of the dead and releases an evil that was long dead and buried. Note to those planning on staying in a cabin. In the woods. If you find a creepy book that warns you, in writing, to not read or speak its words aloud, you probably shouldn’t read or speak its words aloud. Please see below:

So Mia tries to escape her intervention weekend and crashes her car and is raped by a tree, naturally. I’m really glad that they kept the tree-raping in, and yes, I realize how awkward it is that I actually typed those words out. Mia starts acting cuckoo nutso, and her friends conclude that her body is just trying to kick the junk. I suppose it makes sense that they would default to withdrawal symptoms instead of demonic possession, but if you ever find yourself in a secluded cabin with me and you start acting all bonkers, I’m knocking your ass clean out and chaining you up. Consider yourself warned.

And here is where the zany begins. There will be blood. And lots of it.

It’s commendable that the film’s story brings its characters to its dreary setting without alcohol, sex, or partying in the forefront. Avoiding these tropes was really Step 1 in “How to Be Taken Seriously When Remaking a Cult Classic.” The drug arc was a sensible plot device and helped make an already dark tone even darker…and modernized.

The problem with Evil Dead: its actors. Though lead final girl (or is she!?) Jane Levy was fine enough, none of the other cast members really incite any real feelings or connection with the audience or each other. This lack of chemistry is evident throughout, and it bleeds through to their characters’ relationships. I wish we felt the strong connection they were supposed to have. Speaking of bleeding…

The reason to see this movie is for its deliriously disturbing gore. On this note, Alvarez hits it out of the park. Following in the footsteps of the original production, no CGI was used during filming (only during post) – and lets just say that a lot of fake red stuff was spilled. Given the film’s lack of a standout character and charming leading man (Bruce Campbell…we miss you), this gory circus show delivers on a level that makes us forget about the movie’s aforementioned shortcomings. After all, The Evil Dead‘s 1981 incarnation was really just a silly venture for viewers to have fun with and not take too seriously. So hey, why nitpick the new kid in school?

Early attempts and discussions about remaking the Mac Daddy of cult films brought fan outrage and Internet geeks out in droves. The negative reaction almost prevented the film from even happening, and I get it (I hang my head in shame over that Carrie remake trailer). Raimi’s The Evil Dead is a special, special film, but rest easy: its legacy hasn’t been tarnished here. Though the odds may have been stacked against it, this particular remake is far from sacrilege.

Grade: B

The Interweb has brought forth yet another trailer for Rob Zombie’s The Lords of Salem and I can’t quite make up my mind about it:

On the surface, it looks like yet another Zombie film that I’ve already seen before. But that said, I do respect Zombie for his originality and brutality, and definitely think he’s put his own stamp on the Horror genre at large. So…yanno…props.

But can the dude ever stop casting his wife, Sheri Moon? She doesn’t totally suck (I liked her a lot in The Devil’s Rejects, actually), but is she really his muse? There aren’t any better choices out there? Can she even handle a lead like this? Can I even make out what “this” is from that trailer? So many questions.

I’m somewhat intrigued and have my fingers crossed that Zombie has concocted something completely disturbing…but I’m not quite ready to commit to a theater viewing. Am I crazy? Will you be checking out Lords?

The Lords of Salem opens nationwide April 19. 

Last night saw the premiere of a new slasher/psychological drama The Following, created and penned by Kevin Williamson (Scream series) and starring Kevin Bacon. I need a new show like I need 50 more cats terrorizing my apartment or like I need the most annoying sound in the world as my cell phone ring, but you know how giddy I get for slashers! With enticing commercials and two badass Kevins on board, I decided to bite and couldn’t be happier that I did.

Bacon plays Ryan Hardy, a former FBI agent who retires on disability after catching a serial killer named Joe Carroll. Carroll was an English professor who taught the works of Edgar Allen Poe and killed a slew of women in Poe’s honor…until he got caught. Unbeknownst to the FBI, Carroll spent hours in a prison library building a social network of fans, followers and copycat killers, all who will stop at nothing to help this looney-tunes out with his master plan. You can probably guess what happens next: they help spring him from jail, hell breaks lose, and Hardy is BACK ON THE CASE! :::Insert cheesy 80′s cop show music here:::

Now, I despise Law & Order-type procedurals. There’s zero characterization, barely any overarching story, and vapid-story-of-the-week bullshit in every episode. Whenever I see CSI or NCIS or any other show with a bunch of capitol letters in formation, I run for the hills. But The Following is sort of like an FBI procedural, meets 24, meets horror movie, and that, my friends, is something I can get behind.

In the pilot episode, there’s a ton of dead bodies, ample gore, and a juicy amount of backstory packed tightly throughout the hour. It periodically flashes back ten years prior, offering slices of Hardy’s life and involvement with the case. The stories of Dr. Sarah Fuller, the only survivor of Carroll’s bloodbath, and Claire Matthews, Carroll’s ex-wife, are sprinkled throughout as well. What should have felt like an over-stuffed first helping was actually quite well done and well paced – not to mention the two or three twists it dished out too.

What a joyous hour of fucked up television!

Williamson has been throwing nods in the press to Kiefer Sutherland’s hit FOX series 24 (supposedly the writer’s favorite show), and in some ways it did remind me of everyone’s favorite CTU agent, Jack Bauer. There’s a Big Bad who will remain the season’s arching threat, there’s plenty of agencies throwing their two cents into the case, an ensemble cast of supporting coppers, and Hardy – a damaged, maybe-alcoholic former agent with a dark past who just so happens to get sucked back in. As long as no one ever utters, “Just let me do MY JOB!” I think we’re going to be OK here.

I enjoy hating on FOX as much as the next guy, but the network could really use a big-scale action/horror series. The Walking Dead and American Horror Story have more than proved that Horror works on television and now every network wants a piece of that action. Although The Following may never replace the lingering feelings of abandonment left after Bauer went off-com, it has still nicely set itself up to become the next addicting and provocative action series on the air. And the horror flair is the icing on the cake.

Now let’s see if it can remain consistent…

Premature Grade (Pilot only): A-

You can catch an encore showing of The Following on Friday, Jan. 25th at 9pm on FOX.

This post is spoiler free. 

Sure, Dexter, Homeland, Game of Thrones and Mad Men are worthy competitors, but it’s time to face the facts: American Horror Story is the best show currently on TV.

There. I said it.

Horror may not be everybody’s bag, but Ryan Murphy’s American Horror Story has been consistently delivering all the goodies these other shows have been dishing out and more. More zombie-monster things! More aliens! More World War 2 Nazi Evil Mad Doctors!

It sounds batshit crazy to deem a show like this TV’s reigning champion, but it’s time Horror started getting its due. Horror TV had always been a cult phenomenon. Shows like The Twilight Zone, The X-Files and Buffy the Vampire Slayer broke industry boundaries and paved the way for the television landscape we see today. Oftentimes, they never garnered the proper cred and respect they deserved until way later. In fact, shows like Dexter, True Blood, the upcoming Bates Motel, and more, simply wouldn’t have existed over a decade ago. Thanks to these pioneers, Horror has now bridged the gap between “cult fave” and  the “mainsteam.” Horror TV is here and people love it, and thanks to the creativity of American Horror Story, it’s being taken to an entirely new level.

This season’s Asylum edition of AHS has been a wee bit convoluted at its worst; at its best, it has been a beast harnessing some of the best writing and acting of 2012. This season’s plot surrounds Sister Jude (Jessica Lange) and the patients, doctors and nuns who occupy an institution for the criminally insane called Briarcliff Manor. It’s a completely new storyline from Season 1, yet like its predecessor, the story operates on multiple timelines, jumping back and forth from 1964 to the present. Some of Briarcliff’s inhabitants are morally twisted, like the evil Dr. Arthur Arden (James Cromwell). Others are unjustifiably thrown into the asylum, like Kit Walker (Evan Peters) and Lana Winters (Sarah Paulson), two characters who are trying to right the wrongdoings that put them there. They’re completely sane…or is Briarcliff ridding them of their sanity? Lange’s character this year lies somewhere in between the Good vs. Evil power struggle of the asylum. For Sister Jude, life at Briarcliff is a bit more…complicated. Oh, and then there’s that pesky Devil romping about.

As a result of its ambition and complexity portrayed through the show’s morals, graphic violence and simultaneous plot lines, the show should be a mess. Thanks to Murphy and his writing team, American Horror Story has avoided getting lost in its own insanity, balancing characters and action nicely and knowing when to wrap up certain character’s tales (see: last night’s episode! Hot damn!).

The acting is just as jaw-dropping as its blood and gore. Jessica Lange’s performance in last night’s “The Name Game” was probably one of the best performances I’ve seen. Ever. Her character’s transformation is rather spoilerific, but it’s an acting feat that cannot be missed for any fan of fiction. She deserves every award in the book for this performance. Hell, we need to just make up fake awards and throw ‘em at her. The Jessica Lange Award for Best Acting in a Mini-Series…presented by Jessica Lange. And the winner is: Jessica Lange. And us, of course.

Though Lange is the lead first and foremost, the cast is most definitely an ensemble. She’s surrounded by skilled professionals, most notably Lily Rabe, who plays two characters in one as the devil-possessed Sister Mary Eunice; the aforementioned Cromwell; and Frances Conroy (Six Feet Under) who co-stars as the Angel of Death. Week after week, these actors churn out performances that are…well, to die for. Cheeky, but true.

There’s a lot happening on TV right now. With cable networks producing more and more bankable products like The Walking Dead, Mad Men, and Sons of Anarchy, it’s often hard to break through such stiff competition. But American Horror Story is so unique in its storytelling and design that it must be celebrated. And it’s so refreshing to see such twisted perversion on the small screen without ever sacrificing character or quality.

Grade: A

Last year, I counted down the Friday the 13^th series, starting from the worst and getting down to the nitty gritty – my fave – Friday the 13^th Part 3. This year, I’m taking on the Boogey Man himself: Mr. Michael Myers. This time around, I’m excluding remakes (Sorry, Zombie) while also tossing that third edition, Season of the Witch, by the wayside. Seven spots open. Which film will conquer the rest? Let’s do this.

Remember the time Tyra Banks and Busta Rhymes ruined Halloween? I do. That’s why Halloween: Resurrection, the eight film in the series, gets the #7 position. Halloween H20 didn’t need a follow-up, dammit! I’d much rather live in a state of blissful ignorance, pretending that Rob Zombie’s brutal follow-ups were the only “resurrection” of Michael Myers. And I can’t even talk about that opening death. Tear. Sad face. To everyone involved: You ruined a perfect ending to a nearly perfect series. Damn you all.

6. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers. Unlike the Friday series, Halloween movies are all pretty solid in my book. Even though Numero 5 is my next pick for the 6 spot, it’s still a pretty decent film. Continuing the story of Laurie Strode’s daughter Jamie (Danielle Harris) from the fourth film, number 5 proves to be slightly lackluster. It’s chock-full of some good suspense, but minus points for the character Tina being a snooze and also, for the lack of a better ending. Number four is really the best of the Jamie Lloyd saga.

5. Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers. Yes, this movie is kind of a mess. Yes, there are a shitton of various cuts. And no, I haven’t seen them all. But what I like best about The Curse is its dramatic change in tone. It’s darker, cruder, and…oh, hey, Paul Rudd! Though re-watching this movie post-Rudd’s mainstream success kind of distracts from the story, it’s still pretty awesome that they revived the character of Tommy from the original film. I also like the attempt at explaining Michael’s madness – an A for effort, even if it’s choppy. This also marks Donald Pleasance’s last appearance in the series before his real-life death. Second sad face.

4. Halloween H20. This one is a very polarizing entry to the series, but dammit, I’m a full-on supporter. Jamie Leigh Curtis is back as Laurie Strode…err…Keri Tate (she faked her death and went into hiding), a now-headmistress at a posh, secluded private school in the woods somewhere. Though this one has a pretty slow start, look at all the goodies it delivers: Nancy Chambers returns as Dr. Loomis’s colleague from the original, Curtis’s mother, Janet Leigh, co-stars and drives the same car her character did in Psycho (Nerd Alert!), and uh, LL Cool J….no wait – forget that last one. The last 30 minutes are a rollercoaster ride of suspense, and then it ends with a decapitation. Awesome! Pause to reflect once again on how badly Halloween: Resurrection ruined a perfect ending. Go ahead. Think it over. I’ll wait.

Moving on!

3. Halloween 2. A direct sequel to the events of the original, Halloween 2 takes place on the very same night of October 31, 1978, and Michael is still in pursuit of his sister, Laurie Strode. Laurie is relocated to a hospital, where there are plenty of other bodies for Michael to take down. A super strong sequel to an iconic film, I love that it takes place on the same night, and I also love the different setting. Plus, there’s a ton of fire at the end, and as we’ve learned from Beavis and Butt-head, fire is always cool, especially if paired with an explosion. I love this film dearly, but it doesn’t quite make my Top 2.

2. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. If any Halloween fan out there has a bone to pick with my countdown, it’s probably the fact that I’m placing 4 above 2. And I get it. But here’s what I love about 4. Not only did it introduce us to the Scream-Queen-in-the-Making, Danielle Harris, but shit always gets crazy when a small child is involved. Watching a masked serial killer chase down an eight year old just adds an extra layer of terror and suspense. Ellie Cornell, who played Rachel Carruthers, is a huge plus, as is the fast pace of the movie and the changing settings. You get the sense that Rachel and Jamie are actually being chased through the entire movie – through the streets, at the sheriff’s house, in the school. It feels like a lot is happening in this one, and it’s a great ride throughout.

1. Halloween. In this case, the original really takes the cake. Does such an iconic movie even need a reason? Halloween mainstreamed the slasher film and was a true inspiration to so many movies after it. John Carpenter’s chilling score…Michael’s terrifying debut…it’s all so very perfect. Fans of Leatherface or Norman Bates can leave their complaints in the comments section – Halloween is the true Granddaddy of the slasher film and brought the Horror genre in an entirely different direction. It even introduced us to Jamie Leigh Curtis, who went on to star in plenty of other excellent 70′s/80′s horror movies such as Terror Train and Prom Night. For these reasons and so many more, number 1 easily earns top spot on The Littlest Winslow’s Halloween countdown!

So that’s it, kids. There you have it. Agree? Disagree? Holler back and let me know your standings.

Happy Halloween!

The Horror community was filled with shock and terror when rumors about an Evil Dead remake started to float around the Internet a few years back. Should this movie even be touched if not for a proper sequel? Would Bruce Campbell or Sam Raimi be involved? Would it be modernized as torture porn or keep its campy heart? When Campbell and Raimi did announce that they’d be attached to the project as producers, some fears were calmed, but many worries still lingered. Today, we finally got to take a first look at one of Horror’s most anticipated remakes:

Gut reactions: It looks gruesome and bloody (pro!), but I’m not sure if it looks “fun” enough (con). It definitely seems to have an intensity behind it, like when Rob Zombie took over the Halloween remake series, but I’m still a little unsure. Some of the scenes seem a little torture-porn-y, but it does look scary and gory, which are both so necessary for this remake to be successful.

Because I’m a huge 80′s horror/slasher fan, I love my Horror to be campy with a healthy side of cheese, which really just explains my love for the original series (and for movies like Cabin in the Woods!). Understandably, this movie can’t be the same movie, so they needed to alter the tone of this new entry. All I ask and hope for is that there’s a solid story behind the bloodshed, with characters we can really get behind and root for. Diablo Cody has reportedly “polished” the script, adding in some additional character and dialogue, so hopefully her charm and wit can be a great addition to what looks like a hellishly frightening film.

Who’s excited? Who’s still screaming in outrage? Sound off!

When scanning the Netflix instant selection, it’s always a gamble as to A) What you’re going to find on there, and B) How shitty your selected movie is going to be. Grave Encounters was always one I flew by because, well, it looked rather budget. The “found footage” sub-genre is trendy right now given the success of the Paranormal Activity series, so I always exercise some caution on “found footage” films that I’ve never heard of. But I got a recommendation, I gave it a shot, and was pleasantly surprised!

The story follows a camera crew of one of those Travel Channel-type Horror shows where ghost experts and film crews survey haunted areas, claim to hear noises that you don’t really hear, and talk about all of the murderous nasties that used to live and eventually died there. Lance Preston is the host of the fictitious “Grave Encounters” television show, and along with his crew, he investigates a haunted psychiatric hospital in search of paranormal activity in what eventually becomes their last episode ever (we’re told this at the start – not a spoiler).

The scary story behind the haunted hospital surrounds a doctor, Arthur Friedkin, who performed unethical experiments and lobotomies on patients before being overthrown and offed himself. We learn most of this story throughout the first 20-30 minutes – and it’s so terrible! The actors are mediocre at best, and they overact in order to parlay their on-camera personas and faux excitement to their audience. When it’s time to wrap, someone disappears (of course) and the hellish haunts start showing their faces.

As with most found footage movies, there are plenty of make-you-jump scare tactics, and surprisingly, many of them work given the limited lighting and setting. The sounds were also pretty frightening, so make sure you turn this one up to 11. There’s a decent amount of blood and gore, and plenty of freaky happenings that will stick in your mind even post-viewing.

For some reason, ghost flicks like this really get under my skin. Maybe it’s because I believe in this stuff, or maybe it’s because paranormal movies always have a claustrophobic feel to them. Does Grave Encounters feel like a B-movie. Sure. But what lies ahead for this film crew is certainly more twisted and messed up than anything I’ve seen in a Paranormal Activity movie (though arguably, when taken as a series, the Paranormal flicks definitely have more of a story).

Though the found footage technique is a bit hackneyed, Grave Encounters delivered a few eye-rolls and some truly scary moments – just like a good scary movie should!

Grade: B

The Walking Dead premiered this week and from a ratings perspective, the outlook is good. Very good.  The third season premiere attracted 10.9 million viewers (a mind-blowing number for cable!), defending its title as the most successful basic cable drama of all time in the adult demo. But dammit, it’s time to spit some truth on this zombie craze.

The Walking Dead tells the tale of Rick Grimes, his family, and a slew of survivors of a blood-splattering, intestine-eating zombie apocalypse. The show is an adaptation of a monthly black and white comic book series, created by Robert Kirkman, who also serves as an Executive Producer on the show. Although the show captures some of the meat of the books, I still feel like the true guts of the story remain largely uneaten.

When the show first hit our living rooms, it was a huge victory for the Horror genre. A television show about zombies was being produced and was actually going to air! The books had a steady fan base, zombies were the new rising trend, and Kirkman and effects master Greg Nicotero were both signed on. Epic win! Although I enjoy The Walking Dead enough, I still can’t get over the fact that the show isn’t living up to its full potential. Sure, the zombies look great, the blood and gore is spot on, but much of the characterization of our beloved survivors is gone. I’m not loving the cast (Laurie Holden’s Andrea is my favorite, yet I fight the urge to fast forward every time Sarah Wayne Callies opens her mouth), or the adaptations of who these characters are. It’s very telling when comic book art can present more emotion than actors and actresses on screen, but in this case, the book’s art and writing really do win out.

It’s also no surprise that Season 2 had pacing problems. We searched for Sophia for what seemed like an eternity, and even when words were exchanged, the series really wasn’t saying much – about society, or about the lives and relationships of these people we’re peering in on. It doesn’t feel cohesive. The only true emotional punch this show delivered was the shocking discovery that Sophia was a zombie, hidden inside Herschel’s barn. Once we got over the awesomeness of zombies on TV, viewers waited a full season and a half before getting a shocking, real, emotional payoff.

Season three’s premiere episode got “back to its roots” of killing zombies. Though I love some delicious violence, this running, gun toting, and stab-y goodness begins to lose its effectiveness when the characters behind it aren’t as strong as they could be…and should be. Because of this, the tension has dissipated. The show really needs to tighten up and dig deep inside of these characters in order to highlight the traits that readers of the book know and love. There’s still so much more potential hidden in this narrative than what we’ve been presented with.

Perhaps my standards are too high. Maybe shows like Mad Men, Homeland and Dexter have raised my expectations. Or maybe there’s just too much competition in TV nowadays. Let’s face it – Rick Grimes is no Don Draper. Although I still watch The Walking Dead, I don’t crave it like I do when the gang from Sterling Cooper Draper Price returns. And being such a Horror fan at heart, I really wish I did.

It’s the gift that every child should own!

Thanks to the NeatoShop, you can own this cute (?) and cuddly (??) zombified monster for $49.95.  It’s mostly plush, with vinyl bones, entrails and skull. So…uh…it’s mostly cuddly?

The size is 18″ x 16″ x 7″ and there’s only 2 left, so grab it quick before it decomposes forever!

Thanks to Lauren for the tip!