The Littlest Winslow

Evil Dead unravels like a movie you’ve already seen: Teenagers head to a cabin in the woods. Teenagers do something idiotic. Teenagers die. At face value, this next jaunt into wooded territory doesn’t sound very appealing or fresh. And that’s not even broaching the fact that director Fede Alvarez has entered sacred ground, remaking the Top Dog of Cult Classics, Sam Raimi’s The Evil Dead. That alone is enough to make the hungriest of Internet trolls come out of hiding.

Nevertheless, this new gang of victims-to-be heads to their chosen secluded locale in order to help their friend Mia kick a nasty drug habit. Mia’s brother David joins in the efforts to help her get clean…that is, until their friend David reads from the book of the dead and releases an evil that was long dead and buried. Note to those planning on staying in a cabin. In the woods. If you find a creepy book that warns you, in writing, to not read or speak its words aloud, you probably shouldn’t read or speak its words aloud. Please see below:

So Mia tries to escape her intervention weekend and crashes her car and is raped by a tree, naturally. I’m really glad that they kept the tree-raping in, and yes, I realize how awkward it is that I actually typed those words out. Mia starts acting cuckoo nutso, and her friends conclude that her body is just trying to kick the junk. I suppose it makes sense that they would default to withdrawal symptoms instead of demonic possession, but if you ever find yourself in a secluded cabin with me and you start acting all bonkers, I’m knocking your ass clean out and chaining you up. Consider yourself warned.

And here is where the zany begins. There will be blood. And lots of it.

It’s commendable that the film’s story brings its characters to its dreary setting without alcohol, sex, or partying in the forefront. Avoiding these tropes was really Step 1 in “How to Be Taken Seriously When Remaking a Cult Classic.” The drug arc was a sensible plot device and helped make an already dark tone even darker…and modernized.

The problem with Evil Dead: its actors. Though lead final girl (or is she!?) Jane Levy was fine enough, none of the other cast members really incite any real feelings or connection with the audience or each other. This lack of chemistry is evident throughout, and it bleeds through to their characters’ relationships. I wish we felt the strong connection they were supposed to have. Speaking of bleeding…

The reason to see this movie is for its deliriously disturbing gore. On this note, Alvarez hits it out of the park. Following in the footsteps of the original production, no CGI was used during filming (only during post) – and lets just say that a lot of fake red stuff was spilled. Given the film’s lack of a standout character and charming leading man (Bruce Campbell…we miss you), this gory circus show delivers on a level that makes us forget about the movie’s aforementioned shortcomings. After all, The Evil Dead‘s 1981 incarnation was really just a silly venture for viewers to have fun with and not take too seriously. So hey, why nitpick the new kid in school?

Early attempts and discussions about remaking the Mac Daddy of cult films brought fan outrage and Internet geeks out in droves. The negative reaction almost prevented the film from even happening, and I get it (I hang my head in shame over that Carrie remake trailer). Raimi’s The Evil Dead is a special, special film, but rest easy: its legacy hasn’t been tarnished here. Though the odds may have been stacked against it, this particular remake is far from sacrilege.

Grade: B

Before Chuck Norris, there was Eastwood. And I can’t deny: I’m highly tempted to give up the Epic Film Quest all together. Cold turkey.

After watching the 1992 Best Picture winner, Unforgiven, I only want to watch movies that star Clint Eastwood wielding a gun in each hand, chasing down felons or participating in your standard, everyday Western shootout. I want my life to be inundated with witty one-liners chock-full of curmudgeonly attitude, as Eastwood guns mofos down and sprays the town with their blood. That totally happens in, like, Ghandi…right!?

Regrettably, Eastwood was kind of before my time. I’ve seen modern day Eastwood films like every other asshole alive (Gran Torino, Mystic River, Million Dollar Baby, etc.), but never really got to appreciate his older work. Unforgiven is one of those movies that makes me want to quit my job and become an uber Eastwood-phile. I want to sit on my couch surrounded by tubs of ice cream (yes, plural tubs) and repeating every beloved line to myself and to the Internet. I want to channel my inner Eastwood so I can quote him thoroughly, completely, and in context should I ever find myself riding a horse in the desert, participating in a gunfight, exchanging wits with a nemesis, or battling a gang of thugs in a scary LA suburb. (Actually, scratch that last one. Eek.)

To celebrate Unforgiven and this stop on my quest to watch all of The Academy’s Best Pics, I binged on this YouTube clip of some of the best Clint Eastwood quotes known to the Milky Way galaxy. You should watch it and pretend that you’re as cool as Clint Eastwood. Because that’s what I’ve been doing for the last 45 minutes of life.

Some real winners here:

“You did two things wrong. One is you asked a question, and two is you asked another question.”

“Nobody….I mean nobody…puts ketchup on a hotdog.”

“I have dined with some of the ugliest goddamn bitches in my time. And I have dined with some of the goddamndest ugly bitches in this world. But you, my dear, are the ugliest bitch of them all.”

“You couldn’t take care of a wet dream.”

“Your lucky numbers are 84, 23, 11, 78, and 99. What a load of shit.”

“And I’ve drunk more beer, pissed more blood, and banged more quiff, busted more balls then all you numbnuts put together.”

And that’s only a small sample of the 10 minute-long clip, and an even smaller sample of the legend’s six-ish decades of acting excellence. Need. More. Clint.

Suffice to say, Unforgiven is a resounding Grade: A movie.

The Amityville Horror is one story that just won’t die.

We all know the gist, yeah? Ronald DeFeo, Jr. goes cuckoo and murders his parents, two brothers and two sisters in their beds? George and Kathy Lutz move in a year later with Kathy’s three children and crazy shit starts happening? Surely, you’ve seen, you’ve heard, you know.

This Friday in select theaters and on-demand, a new documentary will tell the story of Danny Lutz, who moved into the house at 112 Ocean Avenue in Amityville, N.Y., in 1975. In My Amityville Horror, Danny tells his side of the story and how he was a “victim” of nucking futs paranormal activity. Yikes.

Trailer time:

In the middle of writing, directing and cranking out the third highest grossing movie of all time (The Avengers), Joss Whedon collaborated with some friends to make yet another movie, because clearly the man is not a fan of sleep or free time. The movie in question: Much Ado About Nothing, a modern-day version of a Shakespeare comedy, adapted and directed by The Man Himself.

Flimed in just 12 days, Much Ado features some beloved actors from Whedon’s past works, including Amy Acker (Angel) and Alexis Denisof (Buffy, Angel) as Beatrice and Benedick, Nathan Fillion (Firefly) as Dogberry, Clark Gregg (The Avengers) as Leonato, Fran Kranz (Dollhouse, Cabin in the Woods) as Claudio and Reed Diamond (Dollhouse) as Don Pedro. Some of Whedon’s cast are even veterans of Shakespearean theater – bonus!

As the trailer shows, the movie was shot in gorgeous black and white, and follows the story of two unlikely lovers who inevitably fall in love. I don’t know this story at all and am avoiding spoilers because of that, but since there was a gun in the trailer and it’s Shakespeare, I’m assuming everyone dies at the end. And Whedon is GREAT at killing everyone!

The film opens in North America on June 7 and in the UK and Ireland on June 14. Check out the trailer below (which includes a hot track from St Germain called “Rose Rouge”):

Maybe, just maybe, the world will finally fall in love with Amy Acker.

Props to ComingSoon.net

In our world of sequels, remakes and reinterpretations, the land of Oz is a risky one to venture back to. The 1939-wonder The Wizard of Oz is hallowed film ground, and in the past, attempts to return to the yellow brick road were received with questionable results (Return to Oz, The Wiz and Tin Man, to name a few). Though it has its polarizing elements, I found myself mostly enjoying Sam Raimi’s risky prequel, Oz the Great and Powerful, but perhaps I wasn’t as whisked away as I should’ve been.

The movie opens in Kansas in 1905 with Oscar Diggs (James Franco), an unlikeable magician/borderline charlatan. He’s a big fish in a small pond – the small pond being the traveling circus he wows night after night. After aggravating the circus strong man, Diggs escapes in a hot air balloon in the most unfortunate of times – tornado season. He swirls and twirls about, crash-landing in the expansive and very visual world of Oz.

Diggs is found by the witch, Theodora (Mila Kunis), and the two gallivant in the woods together, escaping flying monkeys and other wee dangers in the river. Theodora falls in love with this man who she proclaims is the wizard prophesized to kill the Wicked Witch who killed the king of Oz, her father. She wants to introduce him to the land, and being the pompous small-time magic man that he is, Diggs goes along with it. And so begins our tale.

Being a long-time horror fan, I love director Sam Raimi for his roots-based approach and preference to not over do it on CGI. But this is a 3D journey into the magical land of Oz, so of course that can’t be the case here. Oz the Great and Powerful is more a journey into the magical land of CGI, rather, and although the film strong-arms its viewers with green screen-shot scenes one after the other, it’s par for the course. That said, the 3D aspect was well done and well utilized. Flying monkeys and other mythical creatures buzz about, in addition to witches’ magic spells, wooden planks, and more. They fly around our heads, and help set the tone for what’s to come. The 3D served the story and not the other way around.

The popping visuals were steady throughout and a major reason why the movie was so effective. Bright yellow and red flowers burst into eyesight, while raging blue waters tossed and turned Diggs’ ballon basket. Even the surrounding greenery was effervescent against that sparkling yellow brick walk that Diggs sets out on.  Part Disney, part Family movie, and part psychedelic romp, the effects will please children and stoners alike. And Raimi fans fear not: the director walks a nice tightrope between pleasing the masses and sprinkling his own stamp and style throughout.

It’s not all a walk through the park though. Certain parts of Oz are more of a walk through a deadly poppy field. James Franco doesn’t slay as the Man Behind the Curtain, often struggling to muster some slight feeling behind his character’s smug exterior (Luckily for Franco, he had a digital monkey-friend, Finley, voiced by Zach Braff, and an adorable little china doll, voiced by Joey King, to help pull on our heartstrings). In some scenes, Franco is fine, and in others, viewers are left wishing the role was cast otherwise. It’s a rather “take it or leave it” performance, when the movie demanded (and deserved) something more extraordinary. (Was it as lazy as the actor’s Oscar-hosting performance? It’s debatable. I’ll let you decide.)

As favorable as most of the graphics were, the Wicked Witch of the West (whose reveal is sort of a spoiler?) looked fairly terrible, neither resembling the actress portraying her nor the ugliness within that we remember from the musical. It’s distracting enough to pull you out of the story, even if for a split second every time her green essence permeates the screen.

The story also had its lackluster moments, faltering about three-quarters of the way through, when Diggs is reluctant to step up to help the people of Oz. It is here where the movie seems to drag, when we all know “the wizard” will end up becoming The Man Behind the Curtain we all know. Just get to it already.

Alas, a suspension of disbelief is necessary for this one. For hardcore fans of the 1939 musical, a disappointment is almost a certainty. The tone is vastly different and the performances are not nearly as strong, and…honestly, why even bother comparing? Though it is a prequel, this series in the making (a sequel has already been commissioned by Disney) is really its own beast. Forget that Dorothy existed, for the time being. Put the Tin Man, Scarecrow and Cowardly Lion out of your minds. On its own, Oz the Great and Powerful is a fun ride for adults and children, but if you’re not willing to leave the ruby red slippers behind, maybe its best you stay on your chosen side of the rainbow.

Grade: B

Every now and then, contemporary popular culture yields a work that proves coming of age tales can be done without agonizing clichés and melodramatic urgencies; that maybe…just maybe, a “teen movie” doesn’t have to be so juvenile after all. Last year’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower is a shining example of a story brave enough to break the mold.

Charlie (Logan Lerman) is an isolated introvert who’s had a rough year. His friend committed suicide and he’s about to start his first day of high school. Guarded and wary, Charlie is afraid to open up to his parents about how he’s really feeling for fear of reliving his darkest days. While at school, he meets two seniors – Sam (Emma Watson) and Patrick (Ezra Miller) – a step-bro-and-sis duo who help Charlie land on his feet as they all learn to live and grow despite their imperfect surroundings and pasts.

Perks navigates heavy terrain, but doesn’t get bogged down by it. Suicide, drugs, alcohol, first loves, sexual abuse, and mental illness are all touched upon with sensitivity and subtlety, showing that everyone has his or her baggage (and vice) to bare. Yet like in life, how these characters react and move forward through their struggles speaks volumes.

Written and directed by Stephen Chbosky, and adapted from Chbosky’s 1999 novel of the same name, Perks is full of heart and never uproots its characters from the harsh realities of life. The voice of its characters carries well and feels like the early 90’s teen it’s supposed to be. Though Watson and Lerman are beyond endearing and lovable, a special shoutout goes to the versatile Mae Whitman for her supporting role of Mary Elizabeth. Crossing over from her day job at Parenthood, Whitman conveys all facets of a female teen punk as Charlie’s friend and later, girlfriend. She’s delightful, as always. Paul Rudd pops in as Charlie’s English teacher, and Special Effects/Make-up/Horror extraordinaire Tom Savini plays shop teacher Mr. Callahan. And a Joan Cusack cameo? I can go on and on.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is a modern day Breakfast Club that completely understands its characters and the world they live in (which is accentuated by the stellar soundtrack – isn’t music crucial to the journey?). It transcends the “teen movie” genre by forcing its characters to face life head on and accept that sometimes, life can suck. But the movie is about what we learn after jumping over the hurdles of our growing pains and personal demons. It’s about those fleeting moments of introspective clarity and self-discovery that really make life worthwhile.

Grade: A

The 85th Academy Awards ceremony aired last night and if you aren’t dead, you’re probably just about overloaded on Oscar mania, thanks to Twitter and Facebook alone. But still, shit’s worth mentioning, yo.

Seth MacFarlane was way better than anticipated. Sure, there were racy, borderline-sexist jokes, but compared to his usually douchebag self (this coming from a pretty big Family Guy/Ted fan, so settle down, Beavis), he didn’t go overboard. He had lots of hilarious jokes and jabs, and let’s face it: Dude can sing. The opening was great, the collaborations and music followed through – this blogger was pleased!

Jennifer Lawrence won for Best Actress and tripped on the way up. But no one cares, because Jennifer Lawrence can pretty much kill a baby koala on stage and everyone would still love her. Her candor is so, so refreshing for an up-and-coming Hollywood-type to be and as long as she continues being herself (and acting the shit out of everything she’s in), she’s going to have a long, healthy, and entertaining career to follow.

Now, I’m not too huge of a Musical guy, but I do have my guilty pleasures. Admittedly, Les Misérables isn’t one of them. However, that musical number by the Les Mis cast? Holy shit. Guess I need to see it? Even that 10-second clip during Hathaway’s win was very powerful. Even though insert-Russell-Crowe-joke-here, I still have to get on it. Because WOW.

Which now brings me to that tie! (You can tie!?) The editors from Zero Dark Thirty and Skyfall shared Oscars for Best Sound Editing last night which made the entire world wonder if that shiz had ever happened before. It has. Last night was the sixth time in Oscar history. I thought I’d have to do some serious investigating on this one, but it turns out the Internet was all over it this morning. Here’s the skinny:

According to the AMPAs database, the first happened in 1931-32, when Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde’s Frederic March and The Champ’s Wallace Beery each won the Best Actor award. However, the vote count wasn’t an actual tie — Beery received one more than March, but the rules at the time stated two winners would be honored if the count was within three votes. The rule subsequently changed.

In 1949, A Chance to Live and So Much for So Little both won the Best Documentary Short award. Katharine Hepburn and Barbra Streisand tied for the Best Actress statuette in 1968, for their respective roles in The Lion in Winter and Funny Girl. The fourth tie occurred in 1986, when Artie Shaw: Time Is All You’ve Got and Down and Out in America were honored for Best Documentary. Finally, Franz Kafka’s It’s a Wonderful Life and Trevor both won the Best Short Film (Live Action) award in 1995.

So there you have it! Six ties. Count ‘em.

And Affleck. Man, if there isn’t a better example for a Champ-Turned-Underdog. Dude wins for Good Will Hunting and then is basically mocked for years, only to have a killer fuck you-comeback with Argo. Then, he accepts graciously to an Academy and public full of assholes that shunned him. Affleck had a moment and showed poise, all while making us feel like the jerks we are. Good on ya, Ben, despite whatever-the-hell he said to his wife, Jennifer Garner. What was that about? I don’t know. Who cares. Ben > Us.

Though last night’s event felt crazy long by its conclusion, the charisma, music, and titty jokes really made it all worthwhile.

I just wish Beasts of the Southern Wild had walked away with something.

For a complete winners list, click here.

Despite a semi-quiet release and meager 48% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, I must admit: last year’s Hit & Run was highly entertaining. Dax Shepard (yeah, yeah…I know) deserves some cred for wearing the hat of writer, co-director and star, and alongside his fellow cast members, baby mama Kristen Bell, Bradley Cooper and Tom Arnold, the movie flows well and has plenty of laughs along the way.

Shepard plays Charlie Bronson, a former getaway driver now in the witness protection program after testifying against some of his partners-in-crime. When his girlfriend Annie gets an interview for an opportunity in L.A., Charlie decides to drive her there despite what his supervising U.S. Marshall (Arnold) has to say. Thanks to the douchebaggery of Annie’s ex-boyfriend Gil, Alexander Dmitri (Cooper), one the guys Charlie put away, is soon hot on their trail. Then the funny happens.

The movie has a great mix of comedy and action with a dash of drama thrown in as well. The chase scenes are surprisingly decent and the set-up and flow make you feel attached enough to the characters by film’s end. The cast is really the shining light here. Cooper, dreadlocked and gangster’ed up, is hilarious as the white wannabe Alex, and Arnold plays a perfect bumbling watchdog. And when is Kristen Bell not absolutely delightful? The answer is never.

The guest stars and cameos are aplenty – Kristin Chenoweth, Ryan Hansen, Joy Bryant (Parenthood shoutout!), David Koechner, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes all pop in and out throughout all the chasing, and it’s enjoyable to see all of the likable, familiar faces. The film didn’t need them, but hey, bonus.

Considering that Shepard got his start out with Ashton Kutcher on Punk’d, liking the former prankster has been a tough pill for me to swallow (not even mentioning the list of stinkers he has on his resume). But hey, props are due. Shepard can definitely handle drama, as evidenced week after week on NBC’s Parenthood. His stint in the incredible familial drama has really transformed him into an actor as opposed to just a here-and-there support guy. Having said that, with Hit & Run under his belt it seems he’s got some life in him after all. If you like any of these actors, are a Parenthood fan, or dig the general premise, Hit & Run will satisfy and be worthy of a Netflix or Red Box rental.

Did I mention Kristen Bell is in it? No brainer, people.

Grade: B 

Before our viewing of the 1941 Best Picture winner How Green Was My Valley, my lady mentioned that it sounded like the title of a porno. Although the movie turned out to be your run-of-the-mill 1940′s film (bummer, man), I stopped to think about the many possibilities: In the movie’s bizarro porn version, would the miners get laid every time they returned home from work, covered in soot and ash? Would there be lots of shower scenes to make up for their gross grime? Or maybe some of their ladies met them below the surface for some underground lovin’. Did porn even exist in the 40′s!? A guy has to wonder.

I think we singlehandedly mocked and destroyed one of the most beloved movies of all time. And I’m talking, like, in the history of modern day cinema.

Oh, well.

I didn’t love this entry of the Quest, but I didn’t hate it either. This is one of those that sort of felt like a mere check off a list. It’s really fun to write about stuff I absolutely lose my mind over or things I loathe more than pickles, but when the result is somewhere in the middle I’m rather mum. I think my preconceptions got the best of me on this one – I was expecting more and wasn’t significantly moved with regard to the miners’ struggles, families, unions, etc. The socio-economic snapshot of poor coal miners wasn’t completely lost on me, I just didn’t fully connect with it. I don’t fault the film for this, though. It just didn’t happen. Can’t love everything.

From a modern day viewpoint, it’s unbelievable that this one beat out Citizen Kane for the title. But according to Wikipedia (it MUST be true if it’s on Wikipedia!), people were boycotting Kane. Since the film was based on William Randolph Hearst’s actions in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, he naturally was a huge sissy about it and wanted people to claim libel against Orson Welles. He even tried to get the film banned. Trying to ban a future classic – way to go Hearst! There’s more to this story but I got super bored while reading about it.

What was this post about? Right. How Green Was My Valley is not about the sexual adventures of a bunch of Zoolander-esque coal miners. Instead, it’s about their struggles in society, both at work and at home, and about a little boy who gets beat up all the time and tells their stories and stuff. It was a good enough movie that didn’t really grab me the way I had hoped.

Grade: C+

To start out this here review of 1981’s British historical drama Chariots of Fire, I’d like to grade it first and discuss it second.

Grade: F

Ouch. And I don’t mean the grade. I mean the snoozefest about two athletes in the 1924 olympics. I can honestly say that I gained absolutely nothing from watching this movie, and instead, lost two quality hours of my life that could have been better spent watching Reality TV, eating peanut butter from the jar with my hands gorilla style, or video taping my cat being all cat-like.

As if “stuffy British film” was ever a trite term, take it from me people: Chariots of Fire is the definition. So Eric Liddel and Harold Abrahams are both runners. One is a Scottish runner who runs for God’s glory or whatever, and the other is an English Jew running to overcome prejudice. (As if, “Holy shit, you won that race, and I fucking love Jews now!” would actually have happened and alleviated some asshole’s misconceptions). But they run. And run. And run some more. Even around their college once, attempting to beat some record. This is important because SPORTS.

If only I could look as cool when I run.

Here is perhaps an area in which I am extremely biased. I enjoy playing sports, I enjoy watching winter Olympics, and I played like crazy as a youngster. But I don’t like the business of sports, and often claim that football, baseball, and insert-sport-name-here simply exist in our modern world in order to sell Miller Lite, and well hey, props to Miller Lite because beer is delicious. It’s just that sports and sports movies have a tendency of getting super preachy. And did I say stuffy yet?

Other thoughts:

If I was an actor, I’d probably look for roles that didn’t require running. Maybe running from a serial killer, or running to my car so I could be involved in some sickass chase scene, or maybe even running from the cops after my character’s involvement in a heist, but running just to run? I’d probably avoid that.

The most notable thing about this movie is its super-amazing score, which made me feel both incredibly stupid, yet also enlightened. It was the uber-“THAT’S WHERE THAT COMES FROM???” moment. Now, I’m 28 and not that young or old, but I think if I polled a sample of my peers, they wouldn’t really know the origin of this music either, so yeah, I guess I’m pretty OK with admitting my shock and amazement. Chariots of Fire’s score was done by Greek composer Vangelis, who won the Academy Award for it, naturally. Hear it below:

RIGHT!? Mind blown. I will feel even more moronic the next time I watch the decathlon scene from Old School. I’m sure I’ll gloat about knowing where the music comes from though, because hey, my horse is high. “You mean you don’t know?!” Look, I’m watching every single Best Picture winner in the history of forever. I’ve got to get props from somewhere, right? Even if it’s mostly from patting myself on the back.

In closing, I loathed this movie. More so than I loathed Out of Africa. That’s saying a lot, in my opinion.