After watching the 1992 Best Picture winner, Unforgiven, I only want to watch movies that star Clint Eastwood wielding a gun in each hand, chasing down felons or participating in your standard, everyday Western shootout. I want my life to be inundated with witty one-liners chock-full of curmudgeonly attitude, as Eastwood guns mofos down and sprays the town with their blood. That totally happens in, like, Ghandi…right!?
Regrettably, Eastwood was kind of before my time. I’ve seen modern day Eastwood films like every other asshole alive (Gran Torino, Mystic River, Million Dollar Baby, etc.), but never really got to appreciate his older work. Unforgiven is one of those movies that makes me want to quit my job and become an uber Eastwood-phile. I want to sit on my couch surrounded by tubs of ice cream (yes, plural tubs) and repeating every beloved line to myself and to the Internet. I want to channel my inner Eastwood so I can quote him thoroughly, completely, and in context should I ever find myself riding a horse in the desert, participating in a gunfight, exchanging wits with a nemesis, or battling a gang of thugs in a scary LA suburb. (Actually, scratch that last one. Eek.)
To celebrate Unforgiven and this stop on my quest to watch all of The Academy’s Best Pics, I binged on this YouTube clip of some of the best Clint Eastwood quotes known to the Milky Way galaxy. You should watch it and pretend that you’re as cool as Clint Eastwood. Because that’s what I’ve been doing for the last 45 minutes of life.
Some real winners here:
“You did two things wrong. One is you asked a question, and two is you asked another question.”
“Nobody….I mean nobody…puts ketchup on a hotdog.”
“I have dined with some of the ugliest goddamn bitches in my time. And I have dined with some of the goddamndest ugly bitches in this world. But you, my dear, are the ugliest bitch of them all.”
“You couldn’t take care of a wet dream.”
“Your lucky numbers are 84, 23, 11, 78, and 99. What a load of shit.”
“And I’ve drunk more beer, pissed more blood, and banged more quiff, busted more balls then all you numbnuts put together.”
And that’s only a small sample of the 10 minute-long clip, and an even smaller sample of the legend’s six-ish decades of acting excellence. Need. More. Clint.
Suffice to say, Unforgiven is a resounding Grade: A movie.