The Littlest Winslow

(Spoilers for last night’s Big Brother finale are running amuck!)

Did I read or hear this headline somewhere else or am I just naturally this witty and charming? I’m not entirely sure if I ripped it off or not, but I am entirely sure that this season of Big Brother was hands down the most shocking and brutal season in probably forever. You can keep your Evil Dick’s, Dr. Will’s, Renegades and Brigades, because now: it’s all about The Quack Pack, baby!

And like Britney: I can’t believe I just said that.

Where do I even begin!? Let’s run with Shane’s joke through this quick recap sesh: Danielle, Ian and Satan were swinging on fish hooks. Satan convinces Ian to fall off 10 minutes prior and later convinces Danielle to “Trust him” and fall off as well. Yes, Danielle. Trust…Satan. Yada yada yada….Ian wins final HoH and evicts Dani, because as we all know, he was swinging on the hammock all crazy-like mumbling “If you want to be the best, you’ve got to beat the best,” over and over and over.

So Ian sits next to Lucifer in the Final 2, as The Man in Red continues talking about “blood up to his elbows” and backstabbing everyone and being a general fucking prick. Then asks the jury to respect his game play: “I know I murdered your mom and dad, drowned your baby in a bathtub, and stabbed you in the back, but haha! It was fun, right!? BEST SUMMER EVER!”

Unsurprisingly, everybody hates Satan, and awards Ian Terry, the 21-year-old student, a check for half a mil!

What a rollercoaster season filled with so many memorable moments! All jokes aside, Dan did play a good game. He realized early on that he was going to have to play differently than he did in Big Brother 10, and he modified his game accordingly. He was a master manipulator and liar, and deceived everyone around him throughout almost the entire game. In my opinion, however, he played a little too brutally. Once you start toying with people’s emotions to the level that he did with Danielle, it starts to get awkward. Though Internet trolls love to hate Danielle for everything always and forever, I feel bad for the girl. She was trying to stay loyal to her first and true alliance. It just didn’t work out for her. Maybe Dan will use some of his $50k to pay for some of Danielle’s therapy sessions, because she’s certainly going to need it! Again: Bru-tal.

Ian made some great moves in this game. He jumped alliances at the perfect time, taking down Mike Boogie and reaping all the credit for doing so (‘Get to steppin’!'). He formed the power alliance in the house and rode it until the end of the game. He won multiple HoH competitions and Power of Vetoes when it mattered the most. Most importantly, he wasn’t a complete douchebag about it, and he remained a likable character in the eyes of the jury. Isn’t that what it’s all about? What a gross, gross oversight on Dan’s part. Have we learned nothing from Russell Hantz?

Although I do wish Janelle stayed in the game longer, the show didn’t really need her. With some great casting this year, the house had more than enough likable characters which led to some utterly shocking moments. In addition to the Boogie eviction, we had Britney’s hilarious goodbye message to Boogs, Frank vs. Ian – carrot suit and all, Dan’s funeral, the Shane eviction (!). What a season for Big Brother fans! The Chenbot and Executive Producer Allison Grodner must be very, very pleased.

Ian is my homeboy. It’s very rewarding for Big Brother fans to see a superfan geek-type take home the big check rather than one of those pretty-but-annoying recruits that CBS finds bartending somewhere on the LA strip. Or, you know, at a mobile spray tanning boutique. Because all the real gems come from mobile spray tanning boutiques.

The season has come to a close and it’s been quite a ride!  Before I fully transition into Survivor mode, I pose one last question: When can Britney get her own show!? Somebody grab a camera. Quick!

What did you think of the finale? Do you think the best houseguest won?

This post contains spoilers from last night’s episode of Big Brother. If you haven’t seen it – quit your job and do so now.

Since TLW has been hijacked by tales from the 30′s and 40′s lately, I decided to lighten things up a bit with my favorite summertime guilty pleasure: Big Brother. Shitty Reality recap, coming your way. Aww, yeeeah!

This summer, four returning houseguests entered the house as “coaches,” under the guise of winning $100,000 should one of their handpicked players win the game. Last week, the game was reset, turning the coaches into players and flipping the house upside down (dun dun dunnnn). Will the coaches stick by their players? Will the newbies revolt and oust the returning champions? Will Mike Boogie ever stop dressing like a 12 year old? WILL JOE EVER STOP SCREAMING IN THE DIARY ROOM? So many questions!

Previous season twists really did blow up in Executive Producer Allison Grodner’s face. The saboteur was evicted in Week 1 of Season 12. The Duos twist of Season 13 got messy (and boor-innng) when Evil Dick walked after just six days. But this year, the coaches twist gave the season a much-needed jump start from Day 1 as the coaches forced their players to consider their game play and make bold moves. Now, just four weeks in, alliances have been made, broken and re-formed. Lies are spreading like wildfire and paranoia is running rabid in that caged up hellhole house. Sounds like a great season is finally upon us!

But dammit, Big Brother! Last night’s eviction episode saw the upheaval of fan-favorite Janelle Pierzina and this reviewer is NOT OK with that. It was probably a smart idea for the house to get rid of her: She’s a Comp-Queen and a power player who plays a relaxed and super-social game. She’s level-headed and has the cunning to earn players’ trust….easily! So all in all, she is pretty dangerous to be shackin’ up with. But is she more dangerous than Mike Boogie!?

Come on, people!

I’d feel way more at ease about losing Janelle had it not been at the hands of Mike Boogie. Lets face it. Danielle, the former HoH, is a complete tool, following whatever Dan, Shane, and Boogie tell her to do. Though Boogie is a smart guy who made a sly move this week, (kudos to him, I guess), I still don’t have to like him.

I want to like his protégé Frank, and I do, but his bond with Boogie has me worried. Part of me thinks that Boogie doesn’t have a shot in hell at winning, but crazier things have happened on Big Brother (and Survivor!). People might start thinking that they want to bring Boogie to the end, under the assumption that no one will vote for him, but is this entirely true? What do you think, Big Brother fans?

This season has brought some great players into the house. It’ll be interesting to see how the game play unfolds this year, (especially that of Dan, Britney, Shane, and Frank); it seems that more people are actually playing the game this time around than floating through it (Kalia, Porsche, Adam…I’m looking at you!). So here we go…game on!

And down with Boogie.

Hopefully.

This British mini-series has everything you’d ever want to see in a TV show: pretty faces, a show-within-a-show layering, horror, intrigue…and zombies. Even better – zombies that eat Big Brother contestants! Granted, the UK’s Big Bro is vastly more popular than its U.S. sister-equivalent, the premise of The Dead Set is just too perfect to pass up, even for Big Brother haters!

EW’s Dalton Ross writes:

For anyone who has yearned to see Big Brother contestants devoured by a pack of flesh-eating zombies — and honestly, who hasn’t? — I give you Dead Set. This grisly British horror series (airing on five consecutive nights) shows what happens when the walking dead infiltrate a live eviction episode of the reality show. Four words: Best. Eviction. Episode. Ever. The only thing that could have made it even more delicious? Zombie Chenbot. A-

A zombie Chenbot would be pretty fucking great.

The Dead Set airs tonight, 12-12:45am on IFC. The series will run for five consecutive nights.

AND DON’T FORGET:

The Walking Dead airs Halloween night at 10pm on AMC!  Who’s excited!?

As summer winds down, so does Big Brother…and this year, I think that’s a good thing. The reality show about a bunch of actors LA-wannabes contestants trapped living in a house together seems to have run its course a little early this year.

Here’s why:

1) Love her or hate her – she brought the drama.

Rachel Reilly, the red-headed bombshell/Las Vegas whatever-she-was brought her A-game this summer. Many in the house grew to despise her, but Rachel turned out to be quite a gift for the viewers, unraveling her game slowly, slowly, until BOOM! – she exploded on the scene threatening floaters to “get a life vest,” battling the other ladies, and after her eviction, having an all-out war with gay professor Ragan. You can bitch on the forums all you want about how annoying her voice and laugh are, but Rachel actually played the game from Day 1, and that can’t be said about the remaining houseguests. Kudos, Rach! Rest assured that no one else is gonna “mess with yo’ man”! :::head shake::: When Rachel walked out the door, my interest in this show went with her.

2) “Der Bergade” is the worst. alliance. ever! Ok, so they kept it a secret. That’s not that hard to do…they kept their mouths shut and pretended not to be too friendly. And they’re going to get half-a-mil for that!? Terrible. What they should get an award for, however, is losing challenges. Enzo is an assclown, and Lane is a pathetic beast. At least Hayden pulled out some victories. Thank God Matty’s gone – I was sick of his coniving, lying, and cocky attitude. To have 3 of these guys as part of the Final 5 is going to make quite a boring last few weeks.

3) It’s such a sausage fest. I mean, really. There’s been a ton of MAN on this show in the last few weeks, and there’s only so many times I can chuckle at Enzo and his penguin suit. They gave a whole segment to Lane lifting every weight in the house? Really!? Snooze.

Saving Graces:

1) Brittany’s a little firecracker. Don’t get me wrong – I think she’s a vile, wretched human being. Thankfully, I don’t have friends like that in my life – she’s two faced, backstabbing, fake as hell….but also quite entertaining. Her vicious jabs are hilarious when properly directed. Please, Brittany, don’t leave us with Der Bergade alone! Fight hard, dammit! If Brittany pulls out a few W’s, she could sneak into the finals and maybe even win.

2) There aren’t really any more saving graces. I’m really just finished with this season.

Who do you think is going to win Season 12 of Big Brother? If I was a betting man, I’d put my money on Hayden. He treaded lightly, won a few HoH’s, and seems to be well-liked in the house.

Now let’s move on to bigger and better – Survivor: Nicaragua, anyone?

Remember back in the day when TV was trite and stale from mid-May through the sweltering month of August? Summer TV was pretty much non-existent, boosting box office sales for blockbusters starring dinosaurs, aliens, superheroes and more!

Today, we’re seeing quite the opposite – box office experts are freaking out and wondering where the hell everybody is. Yes, people have less cash to flash, but I like to think it’s also a true testiment of summer TV simply kicking ass. As usual, here’s TLW’s recommended menu for delicious summer programs to enjoy when you need a break from the heat.

True Blood

Debuting June 13 on HBO, True Blood is currently three episodes deep on its third season. For those who already watch, it’s the perfect blend of guilty pleasure, horror, and suspense. For those who haven’t taken a bite yet, what are you waiting for? This Anna Paquin-led vampire series is nothing like the nauseating Twilight Saga – this one is for the grown-ups. It’s bloody disgusting and sexy as hell, wrapping comedy, drama, and horror together with a nice erotic bow. It doesn’t beat out my true love Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but it’s a solid contender and the show to sink your teeth into this summer. (::stabs self for making cheesy vampire pun::)

Futurama

…is back! Huzzah! Matt Groening’s futuristic comedy (that’s way better than modern-day Simpsons) is breathing new life on Comedy Central. Join Fry, Bender, Leela, and the rest of the gang for more of their crazy, space-age antics Thursdays at 10 p.m. Maybe I’d have more to say about this had I watched the premiere  (thank God for DVR!), but the zombification of Futurama calls for celebration indeed.

Entourage

I’m not sure if I’d classify Entourage as “Must-See TV,” but there’s something to be said about a show that’s this consistently consistent. In the premiere, Ari was still a dick, Drama still can’t get a jobby job, Turtle is attempting to validate his existence, and Vinny Chase is filming a biopic about Enzo Ferrari. For Entourage, all of this is plain ol’ normalsville, and that in turn is quite a detrimental factor. But then again, it’s always fun to check in with Vincent and the boys because we get a glimpse of a life we’ll never lead – a fast and fun romp through Hollywood all from the coziness of our couches.

Mad Men

The poster says it all: Donald Draper (aka Dick Whitman) is starting over. Again. Not only are Don and Betty heading forward with their divorce, but Sterling Cooper is no more. Enter Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce – the new ad agency co-starring buxom bombshell Joan Holloway, gal on the rise Peggy Olson, Harry Crane, and Pete Campbell. Mad Men is hands down one of the best on television – impeccable writing, stellar acting, and extra kudos for originality. There’s no other show that will provide this much bang for your buck….er, time. I’ll be counting down the days til July 25.

Rescue Me

Rescue Me is probably one of the best shows I’ve discovered lately, and I’m still about half a season behind (Thanks to Netflix putting the entire series on Instant). Tommy Gavin is one fucked up asshole. You want to root for the guy, but for every step he takes forward, he takes a billion backwards. The stories of these damaged FDNY guys is heartbreaking, funny, and offensive all at the same time. Season 6 starts tomorrow June 29 at 10 p.m. on FX.

Honorable Mentions

1. No summer is complete without Big Brother. I know, I know…it’s terrible! It’s so easy to get carried away in the drama, twists, Coup D’etats, Head of Households, and corny challenges held in the Big Brother house patio. It was a delight watching Jordan win last year, and it’ll be just as fun to root for a fave and hate on some villains this year. Bring it on!

2. I’m still a fan of Jada Pinkett-Smith’s HawthoRNe. I usually despise medical dramas that aren’t Nurse Jackie, but Pinkett-Smith brings a lot of heart to the show’s main character, and the supporting cast backs up Christina Hawthorne’s morality, fury, and passion.

3. Louis C.K. has a new show (again). It starts June 29 (tomorrow!) and is shockingly obviously called Louie. It’s a series premiere, but hell, any Louis C.K. is good Louis C.K.

Did I miss something you’re psyched about? What are you watching this summer? Hollerrr backkk.

At the risk of over-blogging about Big Brother this summer, I’ll keep this one short: It’s so sad to see Renny go! She was vivacious, fun, energetic, and hilariously funny! Though I don’t blame Dan and Memphis because they really had no other option (since Jerry won HoH this week), it still sucks that Renny had to go down.

That said: I’m solidly rooting for Keesha (no matter what Will says), with Dan as my number 2.

See you at the finaleeee

I hope that you don’t need my ‘good luck’ bidding, Keesha, but if you do…that means we’ll probably still have Libra in the house.

Ugh.

P.S. – I think watching Big Brother should be counted as one of my Top Secret secrets. Damn, it’s addictive. Guilty Pleasure. Definition of.

***EDIT AND SPOILER***

Keesha is SAFE and Renny is HoH. If Renny doesn’t put Ollie and April up she’s DUMBBB. With 3 b’s. (I was going to say “retarded,” but since “Tropic Thunder” has been getting in trouble lately, I decided to be pc.)

From The Littlest Winslow:

“Na Na Na Na, hey heyyyyyy GOODBYEEEE”

And oh yeah: Good. Riddance.

With Michelle winning HoH…things could get even more interesting!

More on this next week, I’m sure…

After Michelle loses her trip to Hawaii in the Power of Veto competition, Jessie talks to her to convince her to not give up and always aim to win. He tells her: “For $500,000 you can buy Hawaii!”

Really, Jessie?  Are you sure about that?

Someone needs to explain to me how and why they could ALL vote out Angie instead of Jessie. How is that possible?

Do they really want to watch Jessie checking himself out in the mirror for yet another week? Do they really want to allow him to walk around flexing his muscles and thinking he’s God’s gift?

WHY BIG BROTHER CAST?  WHY!?!?!?

*EDIT* According to my sources, the HoH endurance competition is overrrrr. Here comes a SPOILERRRRR, so stop reading now if you don’t want to know the outcome…..

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April wins.