The Hashtag Gods hath spoken, and they dig rhyming hashtags: #JackIsBack. The world is safe once again.

When we last saw Jack Bauer, he ran away again, escaping into the night because everyone was stupid and hunting him down like a ruffian. Jacky Boy had gone on a vengeance bender after some Russians murdered his last love (RIP RENEE WALKER) and his own government betrayed him. A wanted criminal and a man without a country, Jack was rewarded for saving the world A BAJILLION TIMES with a head start on running away. Damn you, America. Damn youuuuuu.

But this blog isn’t to recap all of Jack’s past days. This blog is to discuss what is most important about Jack’s foray back into television, and don’t be mistaken about this serious node of factual facts: 24 drinking rules are back in effect.

Here they are friends. Come one, come all. Invite your friends over. Crack a mini-keg, a log, a Growler, or make yourself a tall whiskey coke. (It is my belief that Bauer, like Ron Swanson, would not drink clear liquids. Save the vodka for your next shitty Bravo marathon…not that I condone that type of viewing.)

Drink one drink:
-If someone mentions “schematics”
-If someone mentions “facial recognition software
-When Jack kills someone
-A CTU employee (or FBI agent in Live Another Day) looks at another CTU employee suspiciously
-A supporting character from a previous season is mentioned

Drink two drinks:
-Every time Jack yells “DAMMIT!”
-When Jack tells someone “You’re gonna have to trust me”
-When Jack defies orders
-CTU (FBI) goes into lockdown
-Every time the villain changes from Bad Guy Number 1 to Foreign Terrorist Number 2

Drink three drinks:
-Every time someone mentions the possibility of a mole
-When Chloe scowls, rolls her eyes or says something sarcastic
-When Jack screams: “We’re running out of time!”
-A supporting character from a previous season shows up

Finish Your Drink!
-If a main character dies (silent countdown or not)
-When Kiefer does that thing where he shakes his head and doesn’t know where to look because he’s “stressed” and “acting”
-If someone drinks out of a Cubs mug

Take a shot:
-Last, but not least, and only because I’m such a big fan of the guy – take a shot if Tony Almeida shows up on Live Another Day. The dude served his country, then fake-died, then came back, then he was bad, but then he was good again (?), and then his wife and unborn child died. He’s had it rough, OK? If this guy comes back, all bets are off. Drink.

These rules only stand to serve as a starting point for your own game. Add your own rules accordingly! Invite your friends. Buy lots of booze. And watch 24: Live Another Day tonight from 8-10pm on FOX.

HAPPY 24 PREMIERE DAY, YOU GUYS!

Bauer, out.