Whenever I sit down to write a review or discuss some breaking pop culture news, I always have two avenues to choose from: 1) Write about said topic in a serious, thoughtful, sometimes journalistic way, or 2) Freak out, go bananas, and add in a few swears for good measure. I assure you, when I heard about MTV’s upcoming project, adapting the Scream series for television, I immediately decided that the latter option would win out.

WTF ARE THESE ASSHOLES DOING AND WHY ARE THEY TOUCHING ONE OF MY FAVORITE HORROR SERIES! UGH!

After a little bit of pouting, I’ve decided I have a few legit reasons why this can’t work and shouldn’t happen:

1) MTV is a terrible network and they’re going to screw it up. It’s in their nature (Skins, anyone?) OK, so maybe that’s not a “legit” reason. As if it even needed to be said….well, frankly I just wanted to say it.

2) Despite the “success” of Teen Wolf, the Scream series is part of a bloody, violent genre. Is this really what youngsters ages 10 and up should be watching? Not even calling out the fact that censoring the gore and violence would be doing the series a disservice (Scream 3 even tested my patience in this area), a show of this nature is simply not appropriate for most of MTV’s target audience. Just wait until the first violent act occurs in a school. MTV and the series’ producers are going to be bombarded with idiotic parents who think that a network’s programming is more responsible than their shitty parenting. If it happened with Beavis and Butt-head, it’ll definitely happen with a show about a masked serial-killing psycho.

3) There’s almost no way a TV series can connect with the narrative of the movies. Surely, Neve Campbell, David Arquette and Courteney Cox won’t want to be on some sub-par knock-off starring actors who look like they should be on The Real World, and MTV sure as hell wouldn’t be able to afford them. So this most likely means the TV series will have a shitty story, even shittier cast, and have nothing to do with the four films. Wake me up when Kevin Williamson signs on. Speaking of…

4) There is no Scream series without Kevin Williamson and/or Wes Craven. According to The Hollywood Reporter, former MTV executives Tony DiSanto (The Hills, Teen Wolf, Teen Mom) and Liz Gateley (The Hard Times of RJ Berger) are on board to executive produce, and a search is underway to find a writer to pen the project. Sure, I suppose there’s still time to make a pitch to Williamson and Craven (again, $$$), but someone should alert DiSanto and Gateley that Williamson and Craven aren’t out of their goddamn minds. Anyone they get will be inferior and Scream fans everywhere should balk at these shenanigans.

Maybe the Scream series isn’t perfect, but it still gets a trophy for completely revolutionizing a belabored genre that, at the time, seemed to be put out to pasture. To tarnish the series after a respectable fourth entry would surely put a damper on any hopes for a fifth installment.

And this fan is both wishing and hoping.