Everything you’ve heard is true: Fifty Shades of Grey really is one of the worst sagas ever to invade and tarnish our spectacular world of pop culture. In fact, I am now dumber for having read all 528 pages of it. Curiosity got the better of me, though, so I dove right into the Bible of Mommy Porn to discover exactly what was making women’s panties so wet and to provide a gentleman’s opinion. Warning kids: This one’s gonna get graphic…

For starters, can we just take a second to recognize that the lead character’s name is Anastasia Steele!? Anastasia. Steele. Porn name, much? OK…moving on.

For those who live in a hole in the ground, Fifty Shades of Grey is about this cliché goodie-goodie who fills in for her journalist roommate (that would never happen) for an interview with a 30-year-old multi-millionaire (also, unlikely). She meets him, they flirt, they exhibit absolutely zero chemistry, and then they “fuck…hard” and often. It’s a completely absurd pile of bananas, but then again, realistic plot points and deep characters are hardly the reasons ladies are reading this bizness to begin with, right?

Anastasia falls down a lot. Literally. She’s a bumbling, inexperienced 20-something, which makes it even stranger that 50-something year old housewives want to read about the sex life of a girl that’s probably younger than their daughters. (Pause to chew on that for a bit.) Anastasia has a cliché foreigner friend who is the ultimate nice-guy-finishing-last and her roommate is a cliché hardhead, valedictorian type. They add absolutely nothing and they waste a lot of space in between the fuck scenes. Bring on the fuck scenes!

Speaking of…it took eight full chapters to get to the good stuff. EIGHT CHAPTERS. By that point, I wanted to stab Anastasia’s “inner goddess” in the temple. I think this is an appropriate time to add that when Anastasia gives her first blow job, Christian is all “OMG – that was, like, the best blowy I’ve ever received in my LIFE! Even though I have a Red Room of Pain and banged hundreds of hopefully STD-free chicks, this 21-year-old virgin definitely gave me my best suck job!” Come the fuck on! There’s no way her first BJ would be successful! It should have been a teethy, vile mess! Mr. Grey, you sir, are a LIAR!

Anyways, there is a hefty amount of sexin’, but not much of it is what I, a straight male, would call “hot.” She gets a spanking every now and then, there’s some bathroom sex, tub sex, elevator sex. I guess if you’re older and accustomed to missionary with the lights off, then I guess these scenes might really get your goat, but there’s nothing overly creative here. Oh, and there’s period sex. OK, fine. I’m willing to admit and recognize that it occasionally happens. But can’t we do without the period-blood finger licking. Can we NOT lick the period blood? I feel like that’s not asking too much.

One day, I had a special chat with a few friends about the differences between this Chick-Lit-style “romance novel” and straight up hardcore porn. One lady friend made mention that women don’t want to see close-up visuals of a P drilling a V (my words, not hers), but rather, enjoy the suggestion of sex – the build-up to the actual deed. It totally makes sense and at the time I thought it was a valid argument. However, after reading this “book” myself, I found it to be just as perverted as slipping a XXX DVD into your player and partaking in a few rounds of self-loving. There’s semen guzzling, cherry popping, bondage and sadomasochism hidden inside the pages of Fifty Shades, yet men are the ones often judged for relishing sex, fantasies and porno? Funk dat.

Women are just as sexually depraved as men are….and they should be! Fifty Shades of Grey may suck (like mind-numbingly suck beyond even the suckiest of suckfests), and it completely boggles my mind that there are three (count ‘em!) “books” in this series, but I somehow find myself supporting this trash in a weird, roundabout way. Everybody fucks. Everybody likes fucking. It’s how babies are made, people. And based on my nauseating Facebook News Feed, people generally like babies and view them as a “good” thing. So why is America still so prude after all these years? Instead of censoring sexual content in our media, we really should be controlling the amount of violence that is explicit in our popular culture, because a Saw film can do way more damage to our youngsters than porn could. Porn is at least educational!

But I’m getting off-task here. I’m on to you ladies. Thirty million of you have bought this sleazefest and probably more have read it. Plus, I’d guesstimate that most of you liked it. You liked it so hard. It’s 2012 and sex shouldn’t be as taboo a topic as it is in this modern day and age. And even though I wouldn’t recommend this schlocky piece of Mommy Porn to even my worst of enemies, the fact that it’s breaking down our still-so-Puritan ideals and loosening up ladies’ libidos, well, maybe it’s not such a bad thing after all.