(Spoilers for last night’s Big Brother finale are running amuck!)

Did I read or hear this headline somewhere else or am I just naturally this witty and charming? I’m not entirely sure if I ripped it off or not, but I am entirely sure that this season of Big Brother was hands down the most shocking and brutal season in probably forever. You can keep your Evil Dick’s, Dr. Will’s, Renegades and Brigades, because now: it’s all about The Quack Pack, baby!

And like Britney: I can’t believe I just said that.

Where do I even begin!? Let’s run with Shane’s joke through this quick recap sesh: Danielle, Ian and Satan were swinging on fish hooks. Satan convinces Ian to fall off 10 minutes prior and later convinces Danielle to “Trust him” and fall off as well. Yes, Danielle. Trust…Satan. Yada yada yada….Ian wins final HoH and evicts Dani, because as we all know, he was swinging on the hammock all crazy-like mumbling “If you want to be the best, you’ve got to beat the best,” over and over and over.

So Ian sits next to Lucifer in the Final 2, as The Man in Red continues talking about “blood up to his elbows” and backstabbing everyone and being a general fucking prick. Then asks the jury to respect his game play: “I know I murdered your mom and dad, drowned your baby in a bathtub, and stabbed you in the back, but haha! It was fun, right!? BEST SUMMER EVER!”

Unsurprisingly, everybody hates Satan, and awards Ian Terry, the 21-year-old student, a check for half a mil!

What a rollercoaster season filled with so many memorable moments! All jokes aside, Dan did play a good game. He realized early on that he was going to have to play differently than he did in Big Brother 10, and he modified his game accordingly. He was a master manipulator and liar, and deceived everyone around him throughout almost the entire game. In my opinion, however, he played a little too brutally. Once you start toying with people’s emotions to the level that he did with Danielle, it starts to get awkward. Though Internet trolls love to hate Danielle for everything always and forever, I feel bad for the girl. She was trying to stay loyal to her first and true alliance. It just didn’t work out for her. Maybe Dan will use some of his $50k to pay for some of Danielle’s therapy sessions, because she’s certainly going to need it! Again: Bru-tal.

Ian made some great moves in this game. He jumped alliances at the perfect time, taking down Mike Boogie and reaping all the credit for doing so (‘Get to steppin’!’). He formed the power alliance in the house and rode it until the end of the game. He won multiple HoH competitions and Power of Vetoes when it mattered the most. Most importantly, he wasn’t a complete douchebag about it, and he remained a likable character in the eyes of the jury. Isn’t that what it’s all about? What a gross, gross oversight on Dan’s part. Have we learned nothing from Russell Hantz?

Although I do wish Janelle stayed in the game longer, the show didn’t really need her. With some great casting this year, the house had more than enough likable characters which led to some utterly shocking moments. In addition to the Boogie eviction, we had Britney’s hilarious goodbye message to Boogs, Frank vs. Ian – carrot suit and all, Dan’s funeral, the Shane eviction (!). What a season for Big Brother fans! The Chenbot and Executive Producer Allison Grodner must be very, very pleased.

Ian is my homeboy. It’s very rewarding for Big Brother fans to see a superfan geek-type take home the big check rather than one of those pretty-but-annoying recruits that CBS finds bartending somewhere on the LA strip. Or, you know, at a mobile spray tanning boutique. Because all the real gems come from mobile spray tanning boutiques.

The season has come to a close and it’s been quite a ride!  Before I fully transition into Survivor mode, I pose one last question: When can Britney get her own show!? Somebody grab a camera. Quick!

What did you think of the finale? Do you think the best houseguest won?