I don’t know about you, but do you ever get frustrated with your cooler? I know I do. My lazy cooler does nothing but make my food soggy and my muscles sore. It’s big, bulky and frankly, it’s a huge pain in the ass. Maybe if it could blend drinks with a rechargable 18-v blender, charge my iPhone, play music from a removable waterproof Bluetooth speaker or help me carry other items to my designated beach spot, I wouldn’t think my cooler is such an asshole. But what if it could do all of those things and more!? Consider my mind BLOWN.

The Coolest, a new invention by Ryan Grepper, is simply the…uh…coolest new Kickstarter page around. In addition to all of those dreamy features above, this horcrux work of art also has a built-in cutting board/divider (soggy food, be gone!), an LED lid light, extra wide wheels to help you trudge through the sand, integrated storage for plates and knives, a bottle opener, and a detailed map to the fountain of youth. (Well, maybe not that last part…)

Thanks to a master inventor from Portland, Ore.,  the key to turning your party up to 11 is arriving soon. Grepper’s target goal of $50,000 has been obliterated, with almost $5 million on the table in support of The Coolest. The cheapest Coolest money can buy costs $185 and will ship in February 2015.

If you want the Andre 3000 of coolers, join the 25,408 other backers who all strive to be cooler than cool.

I have to end this thing now before I make another “Cooler” pun.