OK. Listen. Before we even get started here, I didn’t want to blast the guy for his age. I really didn’t. Maybe he’s lonely. Maybe he just needs a new friend. Right? That’s what I thought…until I read his age requirements…

A 56 year old man named “Gordie” from West Covina, Calif. created a Craigslist ad looking for the right “travel companion.” The lucky lady who meets his requirements will be hooked up with free VIP Coachella tickets (Week 2, ladies!), a ride to the festival in his sweet RV, and a stay at the very lavish Tropics Motor Motel, where you will definitely not be forced to have sex with him, whatsoever.

In writing this, I realized the post has been taken down…BUT NOT BEFORE KROQ SNAGGED THE COPY! Suckaaa! Here’s what Ol’ Gordie had a boner for. My comments are in [bold]!

COACHELLA VIP WEEKEND 1 PASS: free for the right person

Ok here’s the deal. I have a VIP Pass for Weekend 2. I’m willing to give it away for free to the right person. I’m looking for a travel “companion” that can enjoy the festival with me and just have a good time. I left my job as Supervising Manager at Soup Plantation and subsequently divorced my wife of 11 years. I cashed out my 401k and decided that moving forward, my life is all about having fun! No more team meetings, no more employee evaluations, no more balance sheets, no more darn conference calls at 7am. JUST FUN! I have a room at the Tropics Motor Motel in Indio Thursday through Monday. If you believe you can meet the below criteria, please shoot me an email and describe why you think you make the best fit. I appreciate your time and look forward to finding the right “one”!

1. Must be female between the ages of 19 and 25 [CREEPY WEIRDO ALERT]
2. Must be comfortable traveling in a Recreational Vehicle (Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100 – pic attached). [You’re gonna want to Google that…]
3. Must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband, small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc). [Please, be a joke.]
4. Preferably have a playlist of various Coachella artists on phone we can listen to on ride over.
5. Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times. [Some people have fetishes. I ain’t mad.]
6. Must be open-minded and opportunistic.
7. Must be ok with periodic hand-holding (perhaps during certain sensual songs and while walking into the festival initially).
8. Fingernails and Toenails must be nicely painted and harmonious with general color scheme of outfit.
9. I will provide snacks such as beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches but if you have additional snacks and/or drinks…BIG BONUS! [Yes, I know it’s a joke, people. Just go with it. I also agree that extra snacks are fucking CLUTCH.]
10. Being social is fine but no excessive fraternizing with other male festival-goers, and most definitely NO PUBLIC AFFECTION with other festival-goers (violation of this rule results in immediate removal of Tropic Motor Motel room privileges and maybe even return ride). [I’m pretty sure you could sleep in literally any tent there and peeps would be chill.]
11. Periodic moments of extended eye contact.
12. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged). [LOLZ]
13. Must not be into drugs, pot ok.
14. Must take a minimum of four photos of us together and post them to your Instigram account. [“Instigram.”]
15. Any personal grooming such as toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking or lipstick application must be done in my presence.
16. At least once during festival, you must allow me to carry you on my shoulders so you can see stage better (perfect time for instigram photo!) [We’re gonna go over that again…”Instigram.”]
17. At least twice during the festival you must tell me in a playful manner that “I am naughty”. [Wide-open eyes, freaked out smiley emoji riiiight abouuuut HERE.]
18. At some point in time during the festival you must tell me that “you didn’t know how this would go, but you’re actually having a really good time”.
19. At least once during our stay after your shower, you must use the steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower. [Simple request.]
20. Must be ready to party and HAVE FUN!

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and as mentioned, an all expenses paid trip. If you think you’re the one, let me know and we can have a great time together. My name is Gordon and I am 56 years old from West Covina. 

Best,
Gordie

While this is most likely a joke (by a Grade-A prankster, might I add), as I lay me down to sleep this eve, I will hope and pray that Gordie is real, mostly innocent and that he’s just looking for his hoola-hooping, flower-wearing Forever Girl. I will also hope and pray that no one is sexually assaulted by Gordie come April 21 or dumb enough to meet him at Indio’s fanciest motel ever. Have fun out there, kids. But not too much fun!