Watching The English Patient is sort of how I’d imagine being a fly on the wall of a hospital room. The burn victim is alive, but not very well, and every time you admittedly can’t hear what the poor bastard is saying, you sort of feel guilty until you realize that it’s kind of a shitty movie anyways.

Yanno. Something like that.

There is a saving grace to this World War II epic, though (seriously, is this the 324^th Academy Award nominee/winner that revolves around wartime? It’s exhausting if you’re trying to watch these films all marathon-style). What was I getting at? OH YEAH. Willem Dafoe. Willem Dafoe is a badass. But not even Dafoe could salvage any sort of satisfaction from this nearly three-hour snoozefest. So here are five things you can do instead of watching this movie about a patient who is English.

1) Watch any other movie in the history of film. Even D-movies like The Room or Manos: Hands of Fate will be highly entertaining with a bottle of whiskey and a buddy or two. Hell, I’d even watch a rom-com starring Reese Witherspoon. One of the really bad ones, too. Turn on Netflix and choose one of the other 25,000 options. Good job. Way to go. You’re already well on your way to not watching The English Patient.

2) Create a bonfire in your backyard and burn all of your crappy Christmas presents, starting with the ugly sweaters that weren’t even meant to be ugly, but are really just horrifying without the comedy element. Fire is cool.

3) Go to the movies and see something current and excellent. I still really need to see Birdman and Boyhood. I’m a bad moviegoer, gentle readers. Do as I say, not as I do.

4) Plan a New Year’s Eve party. Christmas may be over, but there’s still so much drinking to do. Getting your
shit together is so 2015, so get really wasted and then refer back to points 1 and 2. Relish in the powers of Tommy Wiseau and fire.

5) Write a fan letter to Willem Dafoe telling him you forgive him for appearing in The English Patient. Explain how his performance in Platoon really affected your outlook on the Vietnam War. Tell him that Boondock Saints is one of your favorite cult films ever. Tell him that you read a blog once that told you to never watch The English Patient and that you’re going to take the blog’s word for it, and that it’s not his fault. Then, take a deep breath and really contemplate art.

So, uh, do these 5 things instead of watching Ralph Fiennes look like Voldemort looking like a burn victim, but talking like a Brit. This post makes little sense maybe.

Film Quest Count: 21

Grade: D- (because I can’t give a Best Picture winner an F based on personal bias)