Music is crazy important. If I don’t have music where I want it and when I want it, I’m apt to whine, pout, piss and moan like an impotent jerk, etc. So after two ruined workouts with my new Skullcandy Smokin’ Buds headphones – I thought it was time to throw some shade.

These headphones SUCK.

I’ve heard good things about the Skullcandy brand in general. Most of the reviews I’ve read for their products seemed pretty solid and The Clymb was offering these on sale, so I took the bait hoping for the best.

The Pros? Cool design, neat colors (rasta!), and pretty OK sound. Though I don’t think these beat the standard Apple headphones I’ve been using, when you jam these buds into your ears so far that they’re nearly touching your ear drum (I don’t recommend that), they have some pretty decent bass. But here’s where everything goes wrong…

The Cons: These bastards fall out of your ear like they’ve been paid off by a Mole trying to sabotage your glorious musical experience. Though they do come with two sized buds, sweat and other moisture in your ear cause them to fall out. Every. Time. If you make any microscopic form of movement, you will no longer be listening to music – you will be putting these headphones back in your ear for the 37th time. Yesterday at the gym, they fell out at least 25 times in 15 minutes. I spent my entire cardio workout literally holding them in place and pushing them in. When they’re jammed far enough in your ear to stay (again, not recommended), the lows sound pretty great, but then the highs skullfuck your ear, probably causing permanent damage to your life. So your choices are go deaf or hold your hands on your head like an asshole.

The cool look of these will probably still attract plenty of middle schoolers, but audiophiles, and even more casual listeners who want something reliable, won’t be happy with these. From the disparity between the highs and lows, to the fact that you just can’t keep the damn things IN your ear, I beg you: Don’t Buy. While that may be excellent news for the Bluth Company, it’s surely terrible news for Skullcandy…and music fans.

Headphones that stay in your ear? What a crazy, maniacal, preposterous notion! Looks like I’ll be forking over some more money to Apple, unless anyone has any other semi-affordable suggestions. Holler at me.

I give these 0 meowmeowbeenz.