They say your favorite relics from Pop Culture are typically the ones you loved in your youth. For me, so is the case with Saved by the Bell. The show began airing when I was five and ended when I was 10, making me a prime candidate for a SBTB supergeek (I wasn’t the “wait in the mall to meet them” type, but more like the “fight everyone for the TV on Saturday morning because DAMN YOU MY SHOW IS ON” type).

I, along with every other single-digit-aged boy, had a crush on Kelly Kapowski. She still graces the front of one of my favorite t-shirts. (Yep. I’m 30. Sort of.) I also, along with every other kid I knew, wanted to be Zack Morris. Needless to say, Saved by the Bell was the equivalent amount of awesome as not telling your Mom that you had tacos for lunch at school when you damn well knew that it was taco night at home, too.

As a follow up to my last Best Episodes post about Family Matters, I now present to you the Top 10 Best Saved by the Bell Episodes in the History of the Universe.

10) Season 3 – Pipe Dreams

When the school strikes oil, the kids go crazy for it after they find out how much the well is worth. However, they soon realize the costs outweigh the benefits.

Notables: RIP BECKY THE DUCK. Zach was so sad. But hey – it’s good to see the gang get all fired up for a common cause. STOP THE DRILLING! STOP THE OIL! Plus, they all realize that they love Bayside juuust the way it is. Awww.

 

9) Season 3 – No Hope with Dope

Bayside is chosen by a Hollywood movie star as the location of an anti-drug commercial. The gang is set to star in the commercial, however when they learn that someone has been smoking pot at Bayside, they soon realize that things aren’t going to be as easy as they thought.

Notables: Johnny, get outta here! High school’s a little early to be smoking the reefer. Zack and company learn that they should probably wait until college…then they can skip right over pot and go for the good stuff. There was also a drunk driving episode in the series where Zack fucks up hard, but that didn’t make the list.

8) Season 1 – The Lisa Card

Lisa’s father lets her use his credit card as a reward for doing well at school. However, she goes overboard with the spending, and her friends help her think of ways to make some money to pay it off.

Notables: Wasn’t it peachy how ZACK MAN had the clothing sale all rigged up in the lockers and he had to just yell “CLOSIN’ ‘EM!” and then someone would hit a button for him because he was too cool to hit the button himself? The dream sequence was pretty great too – Lisa’s dad turns all Satan-y, and Screech is there being all Screech-y. This episode taught us that sooner or later, we’re all going to have some rich-as-shit friend whose parents bail them out of any situation because they’re doctors or lawyers or something. Screw that friend. Steal her lunch money.

7) Season 4 – Slater’s Friend

This episode gets my vote because they got to put Kelly in a bathing suit. Nah, just kidding. We had some better swimsuit action in the beach episodes. But hey – we got to see a softer side of Slater and got to hear Screech and Jesse sing a song about Slater’s pet chameleon, Artie, at a funeral. I still think Slater should’ve quit being a wuss though. It was only a lizard. Mario Lopez in a large chameleon costume was totes ridonk, too.

 

 

6) Season 3 – All in the Mall

After a failed attempt to buy tickets to the U2 concert, Zack and the gang find $5,000 abandoned at the mall. But things don’t work out when the gang is chased by mobsters around the mall…who are just chasing them to give them the concert tickets they originally wanted!

Notables: No murder, violence or mobsters here! Silly Zack. And they even roughed it one night and slept in a tent. In a department store? I don’t know, this episode didn’t really make sense but I LOVE IT. Next time you’re being chased by a thug, just ask if they’re chasing you to give you concert tickets. One percent of the time, it’ll work EVERY time.

5) Season 1 – Save That Tiger

Zack and Slater are involved in the annual prank war against Valley, which takes place the same time as the big cheerleading competition between the schools. Screech is the Bayside mascot and has an important part in Bayside’s routine. However, after Zack and Slater kidnap Valley’s mascot, two students from Valley kidnap Screech.

Notables: This episode earns its keep because you have to represent Valley, and what was better than The Prank War? Nothing. Also, someone had actual ANTS in their PANTS. Silly, Valley. Bayside wins the cheerleading competition because DUH.

4) Season 2 – Jessie’s Song

Jessie turns to caffeine pills as a result of pressure with midterms and her singing group, ignoring Slater’s warning that the pills could damage her health (HAAAAAA!). When Zack finds out about her “problem,” he cancels her performance and rushes by her side.

Cool it, yous. Number 4. You read that right. No way in hell this is cracking my Top 3. The Internet has almost destroyed this little nugget, and though I’M SO EXCIIIITEDDDD every time I see this one, I still believe 4 is the right spot for Jessie and Hot Sundae to sit. I’m also SO EXCIIIITEDDD every time I see Showgirls, but perhaps that’s a different kind of excitement all together.

3) Season 2 – Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind

Zack and Slater break the school’s camera and hatch a plan to make quick money to pay for a replacement before Belding finds out. A tabloid is offering money for photos of real aliens, so they dress Screech up as an alien in order to fool the tabloid.

Notables: This one has some of the best Screeching that Screech has to offer. His tooth surgery makes him transmit the radio (?) and he walks around like a cool alien all the time. That’d be a sick Halloween costume some year. They trick the tabloid guy and then trick him again. Such bafoonery! I just like this one, you guys.

2) Season 3 – Mystery Weekend

The gang visits a murder mystery weekend after winning a competition. However, a murder attempt is made on the host, who soon goes missing, and the gang must figure out who is responsible.

Spoiler Alert: Guess who figures it out? OF COURSE IT’S THAT ATTENTION WHORING ZACK MORRIS. And Lisa Turtle was in on it? Well, fuck me sideways. I always thought murder mysteries seemed cool. Plus, I was always a Scooby Doo fan. This episode is as cool as Ecto Cooler.

1) Season 3 – Rockumentary

Casey Kasem (RIP) tells the story of how Zack Attack got together and their rise to fame. The faux rock doc is the greatest. Zack Attack takes over the world, then they argue and break up, Zack goes solo and has even radder hair than before, and they make millions of dollars – it’s all a dream come true! Or it’s just a dream. (LAME). Then the band jams out in the garage to prep for a prom concert or something. This episode left us praying that Zack Attack would never attack each other ever again. They say Elizabeth Berkley wasn’t in this episode because she got a knee injury, but she was probably taking pole dancing lessons (That’s two Showgirls refs, guys. Count ‘em.).

Friends Forever Ep. 75 “Zack Attack”

Uploaded by Bobby Ficenec on 2014-02-06.

There you have it! The Best Saved by the Bell Episodes in the History of the Universe. I’d like to apologize to Tori, Violet Anne Bickerstaff, and Stacy Carosi for not squeezing you in. Lord knows I grill those beach episodes. But sometimes in life, you have to make the tough decisions. The ones that really separate the boys from the men nerds from the geeks.

Now boycott that awful Lifetime movie with me because the trailer stinks like AC’s jock strap after he destroys Valley in a wrestling match. I gotta go.